I woke up early and came downstairs with my IPod and spent a couple of hours with REM and their wonderful new CD “Collapse Into Now,” a wise, touching and beautifully written collection of songs. I was feeling nostalgic, and so were they. One of the songs I loved was “Uberlin:”
“I  know, I know, I know that this is changing

We walk the streets to feel the ground I’m chasing:

I am flying on a star into a meteor tonight

I am flying on a star, star, star

I will make it through the day

And then the day and then the day becomes the night.

I will make it through the night.”

There were so many nights I wondered that, if I would make it through the night. Sometimes, it always gets to the day, and  I am learning to accept that, and many other things.

I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he said he thought that fear was useful in that it alerted us to dangers and problems. I said yes, I thought that was so, but I had a different idea about fear.

I think it’s a space to cross, and when I feel fear I always think “what is on the other side of it,” and I believe the answer to that is “life.” I told him that one thing about fear that always fascinated me was that in my life I was never afraid of the right things. The things I feared generally did not occur, and the things I should have feared did not cross my consciousness.

I should have feared becoming disconnected from my family and my life. I should have feared living in a compulsive frenzy, failing to manage my life, doing harm to people close to me, living a dishonest life without thought, honesty or self-awareness. I never feared those things. Instead I feared the things society teaches us to fear so we will spend money trying to avoid them.

So I love with fear, but I no longer trust it. It is mostly a space to cross. REM spoke to that for me. I remember sitting in my car and listening to “Losing My Religion” and bursting into tears and never understanding why. Now I know.