Maria and I have begun clearing out stuff we don’t want or need from the farmhouse. We haven’t sold the farm yet or bought a new home, but we are moving forward. We know we want to leave and we know where we want to go, and that’s a good place to be. It will happen, in its own time and way.

Moving definitely opens one up. It is painful for me to face the past,  tough for me to throw out all of the stuff I bought that I didn’t need – boots, parkas, lens filters and boxes of books I never got to read. I spent a lot of money, and I was beating myself up about that, and then decided not to.

Looking back, like nostalgia, or poor-me stories, is a trap for me, really. I did the best I could. I did a lot.I bought this wonderful farm, fixed it up, wrote a bunch of books, started taking photos, faced myself and my life, got divorced, met Maria. Do I wish I could change some of these things? I guess, sure. I wish I didn’t cause so much damage. But that’s a fairly pointless exercise also. I decided to be grateful for all of the things I got as I tossed them into bags – the dumpster is coming tomorrow. I am grateful for my life, and it begins anew each day. I have the chance to live a full life each day. A life with love, work, meaning, nature, animals, photography, friends. And more and more, peace of mind, perhaps the most precious of them. The past doesn’t really matter, and isn’t really relevant. In some ways, it is just another struggle story. So I’ll drop it.

So am looking back at my life, not with shame, not with embarrassment or regret, but with pride, honesty and acceptance. Like everyone reading this, I did the best I could. I will not spend much time looking back. Every morning, Maria and I decided how will begin our lives anew, together, on the New Bedlam Farm. As much as I love this one, the next one will be even better. That is better than looking back.