The Chicken Of The Left,
And The Chicken Of The Right,
were each hired as television commentators,
to debate the issues of the day.
To cover politics and government.
They puffed up their feathers and put their butts in the air.
They were a little confused.
“Are there any other chickens with ideas?
the Chicken of the Left asked the president of the cable news network.
“No,” he said. “There is only a left and a right. And instead of eating bugs,”
he said, gravely, “you will argue with each other, on every idea, and every issue,
from dawn to dusk. And you will never agree. And you cannot listen or consider any
other ideas but your own. And we will make a lot of money putting your arguments on
television, because people like to be angry. And they like to be self-righteous. And feel superior.
It’s called politics.”
“But what about the other ideas of the world?,” asked the Chicken Of The Right.
“You’re not listening, which is good,” said the network president. “There are no other ideas. Other ideas are called
communism. Or socialism. Or anarchism. Or liberals. Progressives. Libertarians. Bad. They are very bad, and you must never mention them or any real ideas. It upsets people, they go watch reality shows if you agree.”
“This is worse than eating bugs,” said the Chicken Of The Left. “What problems can we solve?”
“You are not listening again,” said the executive, “a good sign.” Problems must never be solved. Don’t you get it? Chickens Of the Left and Chickens Of the Right argue things. They make arguments. They do not solve things. People who do that are called teachers. Or librarians. Or professors. Or writers. We don’t like them. They are bad, too. You never resolve things, you cluck right over one another. Your job is to keep people upset and angry so they will watch every day and be more upset and angry than the day before.”
“We thought commentators informed people…” mumbled both chickens.
The network president got angry. “Hey, Walter Cronkite is dead, gone, in case you didn’t get the memo. Think World Wrestling Federation when you think of news from Washington. Think Killer Kowalski, The Mask…”
“So, let me get this straight,” said the Chicken Of The Right. “We get all these seeds and worms and garbage all day to just sit here and cluck and peck at each other and never listen to each other, ever, or ever agree or talk about any real ideas, is that right.”
“Yes,” said the executive, “now you are listening. Just ruffle feathers. But don’t ever listen again after this.”
“It’s really very simple,” said the Chicken Of the Left, and the Chicken Of the Right, who both understood the idea of feather-ruffling, and understanding they would be listening to one another for the last time.
“We just go on television and be chickens.”
“Yes,” said the network president. “Only not that smart or useful. Chickens actually lay eggs. Commentators do nothing. You’re hired. Start clucking.”