Yesterday Maria and I stood on the foundations of the old collapsed barn, a ruin, really, on its way to the next step as a feeding area for donkeys and a blind pony. We are putting up a rail around the perimeter and I see many nice photos coming from this sweeping rural landscape. We could hardly believe what we were seeing, the old barn was so much a part of the new farm.

This last few months have shaken me, challenged, frightened me, thrilled me, a jumble of excitement, pressure. They have raised up a lot of old fears, old feelings, old demons wishing to have a cup of  tea with me in the night.  I am worried about money, my work, selling the farm, making so many decisions, moving out of my safe fortress. I am coming to terms with some powerful new realities of life. Last night, I felt as if I was in the grip of an exorcism, exhausted, frightened, shivering, sweating, trembling, I sat in my big stuffed chair for hours. What a strange and powerful experience. Maria wrapped me in blankets and brought me warm things to drink. I don’t remember too much of the night, other than the sensation of something leaving me, of facing truths, of leaving fears and old ghosts behind, of facing up to the nature of my life.

This morning I woke up to the drama of healing – love, photos, dogs, plans. A friend told me the old Jon Katz was dying, a new one was being reborn. Can this be true? All my life I’ve wanted to be rescued by people, by work, by saviors and angels. Now I am seeing that I can only be rescued by me. The foundations of a new life.