After my meltdown a few years ago, I decided to write openly and honestly about my experience with fear. It was good for me, and I also felt it was healthy for other people to see someone like me dealing with it. Writing about fear has been one of the most creative and satisfying elements in my life, so helpful to me, and perhaps, to some others. I’ve decided to do the same thing with money. Money, like fear, is a huge issue in people’s lives. I think all of us are dealing with in one way or another. I hope it could be helpful to others if I share this part of my life, as I have shared others.

People often talk about the  need to have a healthy relationship with money. I have not had one. When I was young, I ran wild, unobserved, unchecked. I stole money all the time, spent it all the time. I grew up like wolf child in many ways. I set fire to things, fired rifles out of windows, skipped school, hid in the woods and bushes. I never learned how to deal with money. In my long first marriage, I rarely handled money or knew much about it. If I was disturbed, I was also successful. I always made enough money to do what I wanted, enough to never really learn how money worked, how to manage it, or be disciplined about it. Five years ago, my marriage ended, and the recession arrived and publishing changed and I was suddenly, at at age 60, the Chief Financial Officer of my own life. My timing was either wondrous or awful, I’m not yet sure.

I found that I was terrified about money. I had no idea how to live with it.  I tried to hide from our wonderful bookkeeper Anne, because I was afraid of what she would tell me. She scared me to death. She knew how much money I had, I didn’t.

I was afraid to look at my bank statement, walk to the mailbox and receive bills, look at my credit card expenses, create budgets or be aware of my spending. This began to change but the external pressures – e-books, declining royalties, the cost of Bedlam Farm, and then the cost of two farms. It was no longer possible for me to hide from the realities of money. I have been learning a lot about money. I think so differently about it now.

Before, I wouldn’t charge for speaking engagements. Now I do. I wouldn’t accept contributions to the blog. Or ads. I never bartered for things. I gave away my work – photos, books. I was grandiose, I suppose. I had money for so long, I had assistants, secretaries, was driven to work in limos, vacationed in Europe, rented houses in Cape Cod.

In our culture, money and fear are manipulated in many ways. Money is the big news in America, it is discussed all of the time.  In the Corporate Nation, money is our national religion and we are taught all the time that the worst thing in the world is to not have plenty of it lying around.This notion is good for Wall Street, not for our peace of mind or personal well-being.

Technology has opened up our financial lives to just about everybody, and a late car payment can terrify even the most responsible consumer. Our troubles are instantly known and transmitted, there is no breathing room. We are made to fear money – especially not having a lot of it or not paying our bills precisely on time. And so we do fear money.

In my case, I am learning to deal with it directly. I have learned that fear feeds on hiding and running. The more you know, the safer you feel. I look at my bank account,  as often as necessary. I’ve disabled the automatic bill pay accounts so that I can see my bills and control the payments. I’ve opened myself up to earning revenue rather than run or hid from it. Maria and I have begun working on finances together, it seems unhealthy to me when one spouse or another handles all of the records, all of the money, even if that is very appealing to me sometimes.

I am more open about money, as I am about fears. I talk about it with people. I have mentioned it on the blog. I have put the fearful pride aside, and if I am having issues with money, I say so. I understand that with money, panic is no more effective than it is with anything else. It doesn’t work. I’ve learned that banks and financial institutions are not the enemy.  My bankers have helped me out, I have learned from them. Most of the people around all of us are dealing with financial issues of one kind or another. My accountant tells me that 100 per cent of his clients are struggling this year. So the lesson is this: as with fear, we are not alone. We don’t have to hide. There are several important issues for me, and most of them are internal, not external. They have to do with taking responsibility for my life. I can’t blame the banks for that.

I have needed to be open to receiving money as well as spending it. I am not embarrassed now to be paid for my work – the contribution button, the ads. I am excited about the prospect of figuring money out. I am moving well along with monetizing this precious blog, it is perhaps the most valuable thing I own. I no longer turn up my nose at Rite-Aid but Maria and I go in for the Wednesday specials – buy one, get one free. I am bartering for a number of things in my life, including my offering some writing lessons. I love teaching writing, I love bartering, another thing I never did and now love to do. Saves a lot of money also. When I created bedlamfarm.com I saw the future coming, more than I knew and I am grateful I did.

I have three e-books coming out this year. I am going where my readers are, I will chase them to the ends of the information world. We can fix a lot of things we used to hire people to do. Maria has me on a food shopping budget, the first in my life. No vacations for awhile.

I never want money to be the most important thing in my life, but I don’t want to be afraid of it either. I am feeling better about money. I am building a relationship with it.  I am looking forward to understanding it, handling it, making some more. It is now a creative challenge for me, and I love creative challenges. As before, I don’t wish to live in fear. It accomplishes nothing, it is destructive and self-defeating. So I’m going to try and figure money out, and I will share the process. I hope it is helpful, I mean it to be.