In one of his recent talks, the Dalai Lama observed that man is a curious creature, he lives as if he is never going to die and then dies having never fully lived. This struck me as a powerfully perceptive truth. I went to New York City this weekend to see my daughter and for various reasons – we passed boats, beautiful apartments, high-class bikes and cars – I was thinking of the things I sacrificed in order to live my life more fully. Wouldn’t it be nice, I said to Maria, to have enough money to come to New York often, or even buy or rent a studio apartment in Brooklyn that we could visit from time time, and see Emma more?  Or take a long vacation in a warm place? On some level, I understood that when I decided to change my life – a decision that ended in divorce and the loss of my savings and retirement money and the decision to sell Bedlam Farm – I was sacrificing many of the things we are led to believe we must have, things sold by the merchants of fear.

The Dalai Lama’s words got me to thinking. Be honest, I told myself, do I regret any of these decisions? A search for love? A decision to change? I  decided that I would stop fearing life and death and instead live more fully while I can. The test of these decisions comes when you must sacrifice something in order to get what you want. In these past five years, I have lived more fully than at any other time. I have found love, taken responsibility for myself, worked to develop a spiritual life,  learned how to do a thousand things I never learned to do. Slowly and with great caution and anxiety, I have broken free of the enduring conventional wisdoms about what I should have in terms of savings, health care, retirement, security, all of those cushions we are constantly told we need to have. A few years ago, I thought I’d be set once I sold Bedlam Farm, and now I see the world has its own ideas about things like that.

I often feel some pangs about the things I have lost – it would be wonderful to take Maria to Florence for a few weeks, buy the wonderful black and white camera Nikon that just came out, go someplace warm in the winter, get a frost-free water pump for the pasture, fence in some of the good grass out in the wood, put another small bathroom in the farmhouse. More and more, I accept that we may never be able to do most, if any of these things. I always hoped to leave a lot of money behind so Maria would never have to worry about it, but I also am coming to see that this is diminishing for her. She can take care of herself. That’s how life works, I think, we can never forget what is really important, never let go of the yearnings of our soul, never live our lives by the dictates and sensibilities of other people.

I love what the Dalai Lama said, it makes me feel good about my decisions, reminds me that I gained much more than I lost. I gained an understanding of myself and my life, a release from the very foundations of fear the Dalai Lama is talking about. Living life fully is the most precious thing I have ever had or ever will have. It cannot be measured in money. It includes opening myself up to life, feeling the great power of authenticity, finding meaning in each day, in the power of words and photographs. Learning to love is not just about romance or sex, you can’t love someone else if you don’t learn how to love yourself and that is a great opening of the soul. It leads to so many good things.

The Dalai Lama’s idea reminds me that every day is precious, and more than anything I have lost, I am grateful for what I have gained, and for the awful fate I just barely avoided – of having been so afraid to die that I never lived, of failing to see my life draining through my fingers. I am richer than many of those people with boats and apartments and fat IRA’s, money does not buy the things we are most in need of. I am glad I stopped thinking I could live forever, so  that I almost stopped living at all. I thank the Dalai Lama for his thoughts, he is a treasure. When I think of leadership I always wonder that the people with the most important messages are never on TV, never on cable news, not in Washington,  are pushed to the margins of our world, while the people in charge seem to have nothing to say and say it more loudly and angrily all of the time.