Attachment theory is one theory most people don’t want to know about, I know, I’ve tried discussing it with thousands of animal lovers and owners. Attachment theory studies why people attach themselves to certain animals – cats or dogs, large or small, docile or aggressive, rescue or purebred. People like to say their dogs and cats choose them, but it is almost never true, any more than dogs can tell us when it is time for them to die. That is the province of humans, our relationships with animals are windows into our own attachment issues with our parents, the ways in which we were loved – or not. We get the animals we need, we chose them for all kinds of reasons, most having to do with our own emotions, emotional histories, needs and values. People love to talk about their pets, but rarely want to delve too deeply into the emotions and motives they bring to the relationship.

Attachment theorists believe our relationships with animals are replays, videos almost, of our earliest interactions with our parents, the pre-verbal development of our emotional lives. People who love large guard dogs are always dealing with security issues, so are people who have lapdogs and can’t be apart from them. Why do we choose the dogs we love?

Minnie and Flo offer me a rare chance to observe attachment theory right at home. Maria is very attached to Minnie, I am very attached to Flo. Minnie is Maria’s cat, Flo is mine, Minnie sits on Maria’s lap, Flo on mine. Maria has little to do with Flo, I have little to do with Minnie. How come? What is it about Flo that draws me to her, the first cat I have ever let get close to me? And what it is about Minnie that has  drawn Maria’s emotions into the relationship? Maria is Minnie’s protector, she watches out for her, seeks her out in the evenings to sit with her on the couch. Minnie is happy to be there with her.

I asked Maria yesterday why she thought she was drawn to Flo, and she said it was because I wasn’t drawn to her. Minnie seemed lonely and needy, all the more so when her leg was amputated. Maria loves to talk about me and Flo, but gets uneasy when she is talking about herself and  Minnie. This is typical, it is hard for us to look at our own pain and struggles sometimes. Maria identifies with need, she is acutely aware of what it means to be needy, to be neglected or pushed aside. With Minnie, she is re-enacting one of the great dramas in her life, and I am (unconsciously on both sides) playing the role of the neglector, the person who wasn’t there, wasn’t empathetic.

With Flo, it is almost the exact opposite. I’ve always found Minnie intrusive, loud, ungainly, strange, even before she lost her leg.  Minnie is very verbal, she seems to be complaining all the time, although I rarely spoke as a child. This is precisely the way my father viewed me, and almost entirely in those exact terms. Flo is cool and poised, she is not intrusive, she takes her time, she is quiet, patient, affectionate without being needy or pushy. She always comes to find me if she can, always makes her way to my chair, my lap. I see her as preferring me, Maria always says Flo and I are crazy about each other, I think it is what we need to see, it is the story that works, Minnie and Maria, Jon and Flo.

I am someone with a lot of the intimacy issues that come with some kinds of abuse, and when people or animals get too close to me, it was often very frightening to me. Maria has breached this gap, but it was hard for me. Flo does not threaten me in that way (neither does a dog like Red, we are never closer than when he is herding sheep.) Flo does not get too close, she is the cool cat, happy to gaze out of the window for hours from her stand.

Attachment theories are flexible, people change and grow, animals adapt. I have gotten much more comfortable with Minnie since her adaptation, I find her quirks appealing and fun. I too identify with the outcast, though in a different way than Maria. Flo was an “orphan” in her own right, living secretly under the porch and in the woodshed. So I am helping give her a good home, the rescue impulse again. Animals are intuitive, they read emotions in people well, and Minnie is at ease around Maria, they communicate in terms of emotions and empathy.

Flo and I have connected in similar ways, I am at ease with her coolness and independence, I see her as being intelligent and strategic, I admire the ways in which I perceive her as having launched a brilliant campaign to enter our home. Because I study this and write about it, I recognize many of these feelings as projections, even as I make them. Animals are windows into our psyches and our pasts. If we can muster our courage and get past our discomfort we can learn so much about ourselves.

That is the beauty of attachment theory, the reason most people don’t want to know too much about it. I’ll keep on it.