Chester and King and the Carriage Horses Of New York announced this week that it is time to rescue human beings from their lives in New York, remove them from the unnatural and cruel spaces they live in, and end the inhumane practice of allowing people to work.
“It is time,” say the horses, “to recognize that people need to be rescued from their lives in the city, they are piteous and dependent creatures. They are helpless to take care of themselves. Everywhere in New York, people are forced to live in cells, shackled to jobs they hate, working for inhumane corporate owners, eating awful food that makes them obese and sick.”
The horses are starting a new website – “Lots Of Gas: Getting Political For People” – they have decided it’s time to end the many inhumane and abusive practices afflicting the people of New York City and find them loving adopted homes in the country, where they will live in wide open spaces, never have to work again, and will only have to eat and eliminate all day, as they were meant to do.
The horses have seen enough in their walks through the city, they feel sorry for the people they see and wish to rescue them and give them the lives they ought to have. The horses felt a moral obligation to act, they said, because their lives are so much better than those of the city’s much abused and harried residents.
Millions of people in New York live in confined and ill-maintained boxes, say the horses, they barely have room to turn around and no space to exercise, they are crowded on top of one another like ants. They get little time to relax and walk around in circles, as humans were meant to do. Unlike the horses, human work days are not limited to nine hours, and they do not get five weeks of vacation a year guaranteed by law. When they get old and tired, say the horses, people are tossed out into the streets to fend for themselves. Some humans in New York, say the horses, even have to live on the streets, whereas every horse has a home.
And worse of all, say the horses, people in New York are actually worked for money! This must end.
People, say Chester and King, are forced to work for cruel and inhuman masters who pay them little, lay them off and fire them at will, force them to work long hours in awful conditions. Unlike the horses, the people in the city have no free health care, they do not get to go to farms when they get old and retire, they have no guaranteed pensions or medical supervision. Their tiny apartments are not cleaned out every three hours and no one brings them fresh and clean food and water to eat three or four times a day. Most humans, say the horses, do not even have the cooling sprays that cover them in cooling mists in hot weather that every horse in New York has.
The horses are outraged, they say that the people of New York have to navigate dangerous traffic, breathe unhealthy fumes, and they say it is now obvious that New York is no longer safe for humans. They have not learned to walk slowly and safely in the streets as the horses have, 22 New Yorkers alone have been killed just this year in traffic, more than 15,000 injured in accidents last year alone. Since only one carriage horse has been killed in a traffic accident in the past 20 years (three since 1980), the horses feel it is time they stepped in and rescued the people of New York from their dangerous lives. It is time, say the horses, to stop the epidemic abuse of children, women and other residents of New York that occurs daily.
Since no carriage horse owner or driver has ever been convicted of abuse in 150 years, the horses feel a sense of urgency about getting political for people, ending their inhumane living conditions, their continuous and chronic abuse, getting them out of New York City. The horses realize they are superior to people, they need to help them. The horses are considering building a series of “no-kill” people shelters where humans can be confined in small spaces for the rest of their lives so that no harm can ever come to them.
The horses say they plan to gather at every site where a human is killed, run over, hit by a bicycle, has a stroke or heart attack, or is murdered or beaten and take photos and chant: “The blood, the blood, the blood is on your hands,” or “For the people, it’s no fun! They are dropping, one by one! People baking in the sun, They are dropping one by one!
The centerpiece of the horse’s new campaign, say Chester and King, is to completely end the awful practice of making humans work and also to recognize that New York City is no longer compatible with human life. Humans, they say, should be talking walks in the woods, living in special no-kill shelters and rural preserves, where they can never be asked to work or mingle with animals and they can live in the wild, as humans were meant to do. Humans were meant to stand out in the sun and stare at mountains, (to eat and drop their waste) but never work. The horses say they need to begin raising money to give to political candidates who will work to end the cruel living conditions and abuse of humans in New York. The current political leadership, say the horses, doesn’t seem to care about the problems of people, they have been elected to only help animals, which seems a lot easier than helping people. Thanks but no thanks, say the horses, we are doing a lot better than you are. Clean your own closets!
“Lots Of Gas: Getting Political For Animals” is developing a mission statement for it’s new website:
“We need politicians that will end the practice of making people work long hours, denying them free health care, depriving them of real vacations and forcing them to drive, live and work in crowded tall buildings, breathing unhealthy air, filled with exhaust, crammed into tiny rooms that are fire-traps and enslaved by greedy bosses who only care about money.”
What, ask the horses, could be more unnatural than for thousands of people to work all day in tall buildings with no fresh air or room to exercise? Perhaps, the horses suggest, some people could pull carriages in Central Park so they could get exercise and fresh air. People, they say, need to be banned from Central Park so there can be plenty of room for more trucks and cars and busses. And those inhumane apartments need to be torn down to make room for more condos for milionnaires, who the horses understand are never going to be banned from New York.
“Lots Of Gas: Getting Political For People” will begin by posting photos of all the people who are run over by trucks and busses, injured by bicycles, beaten by spouses and thugs, exhausted by working endless hours for pitiful wages, drop dead on the streets or who die from lack of medical care they can’t afford.” Lots Of Gas proposes that once human beings are safely removed from New York – the horses guarantee that they have found a loving adopted home for every single person who is banned from New York City, all nine million – that each one will go to safe and loving homes out in the wild, people are waiting with open arms to take them in and pay for their care for the rest of their lives. No human, guarantee the horses, will be permitted to go to any new home that will ask them or require them to work.
And the horses have a good plan for replacing people. As people leave, they will be replaced by eco-friendly vintage human-style robots who can work around the clock, do not require food or shelter, will not pollute the environment, do not mind the toxic fumes filling the city, do not need vacations or medical supervision. The robots will look like human beings of the 1800’s, tall, lean, ruddy complexioned, as if they were going to gyms every day. Even though the robots do not need food, they are all programmed to be vegans. Everyone will love them, say the horses, especially the tourists, who will never know the difference or care. Just think, say the horses, how global warming will be helped by the absence of nine million humans and all their vehicles and traffic from the streets of New York.
“It’s a win-win for everybody,” says King and Chester. “People will never have to be subjected to the cruelty of work again, they will all find loving adopted homes, and the eco-friendly robots will replace all of the poor souls that lived so unnaturally and dangerously in those tiny cells. Nobody loses.”
The horses say the expect it will be a long, hard, fight. “The greedy corporations who own humans will not easily accede to seeing them banned, letting them go, living lives free of abuse. But we will never give up.”