Some years ago, I undertook what I called my “Civility Project,” an effort to make occasional contact with people who send hostile messages that are so often angry or self-righteous or cruel. Anyone who writes or works online understands that this is a part of having a blog or being on social media.

I accept it along with the messages of praise and affection I also receive, and in far greater numbers.

There is something in some people who brings out the worst in them when they can send anonymous or distant messages to people they do not know. My purpose in writing about them from time to time is not to punish them or argue with them, but to raise the issue of civility, which I have been talking about for  years.

One a month or so, I answer these messages and try to make some human contact, establish a connection beyond anger and righteousness. I find sometimes than when the people who send these messages come to understand that a human being just them is receiving them, a curtain lifts and they either apologize or explain themselves in a civil way.

I consider those moments of connection a victory in my long advocacy of community, even online, and with people I will never meet or know. Some have suggested this is a hopeless task, scolded me for not just shutting up and deleting them. But the dialogue is important to me, every real connection is another beam of light in a sometimes dark world.

I am advocate for civility, the public places of the Internet are cesspools, a dire threat to free speech and open communications.

Last week, I wrote a column about the presidential campaign and in the blog, I misspelled Hillary Clinton’s name, I  used one “l” instead of two. I spotted the mistake immediately and added the extra “l.” When I update or correct errors on the blog, they don’t automatically go through to Facebook, some of them remain, so the proofreading and corrections I often do – sometimes there is no time –  do not always appear on social media.

I’m not sure I knew how to spell Hillary’s name correctly in every instance,  since I have hardly ever mentioned her name here, and it is so easy to skip that extra “l” when typing fast, but my auto correct problem spotted the error and alerted me to it. It was not, in my mind a big deal, and the mistake was instantly corrected.

I didn’t hear a thing about it.

Yesterday, I got an e-mail from someone named Ingrid B—, under the heading “Come on, get it right.” It was an instant candidate for my Civility Project.

“It’s HilLary Clinton. HILLARY, with two ells. And while you’re at it, ” Ingrid added, “You can write to Maria and ME…” (I’m not sure which piece that referred to).

She added: “You call yourself a writer. Write right. Please.  Sincerly, Ingrid, who’s appalled that anyone in Ameriica with a normal IQ Would not know how to spell Hillary Clinton’s name by now.”

I will confess to the fact that there is a Donald Trump gene lurking somewhere inside of my consciousness, I sometimes reply to messages best ignored. There used to be many more before life and therapy brought me to a better consciousness and awakening. And watching Donald Trump set himself on fire day after day has inspired me to continue to work on my own anger issues.

Before my fingers could communicate with my brain (or my own Civility Project) I fired back a message which said, “Dear Ingrid, get lost.” Then I smacked myself on the head. What kind of Civility Project is this? What about the idea of making a human connection?

Many of you know by now, that I have severe authority problems, I was always a horrible student, I drove my teachers crazy. I imagine these days I would be tested frequently for learning disabilities, probably put on medication. My blog has saved me.

Ingrid B wrote back: “Thanks for that quality response, Jon. I will share it on my Facebook page. Ingrid.”

So this got me to thinking. I do not react well to people suggesting I am stupid, and I react even more poorly to people who threaten me with exposure on their Facebook Page when they have sent obnoxious or rude messages. I am never afraid of openness, as you can see here. I promised to be open about my life, and one is either open or not.

One of the great things about my life on the blog is that I am almost completely transparent. Like Zen masters, I have no secrets, you can’t say a thing about me that I have not said or written about myself. I do not equate good grammar with good writing, writers need editors and my blog is and will always be my own creation. That’s just the way it is.

I do a lot of foolish things, but I do not lie or misrepresent myself. But I also realized that this was an opportunity to transcend this kind of communicating and see if there was a part of Ingrid that I could reach. The fact that she cares about spelling, even if I don’t, suggests she has some values. The fact that she would write such a snotty letter suggests she needs a few more.

Okay, I answered: “Please do share this exchange on your Facebook Page and please share this more measured response as well. You may be a person who never makes a mistake but I am a person who makes many and admits them freely. Your message was, to me, obnoxious and rude, a symptom of the toxic disease raging across public discourse and politics in America. You could easily have made your point in a civil way, an I would have thanked you for pointing it out, but you choose instead to be a jerk.”

I said it was disturbing that anyone with a normal IQ in America could not communicate in a better or more polite way. What, I asked, if I did have a lower than average IQ, as many of my English and math teachers had suggested to me?  Would  you still send the same kind of message. (Maybe she was one of my English teachers, poor thing…living out her final years in some nursing home, harboring her now ancient grudges against me and my spelling.)

I don’t always succeed in being patient, I said, but I strive to avoid the nasty online thing. I don’t want to waste whatever intelligence I have on nasty quarrels over the Internet or arguments about my writing. Or proof reading more and writing less.

Ingrid tried one more time and suggested – quite huffily – that I hire someone to proofread my blog. I said I would be happy to consider that (not true, really) if she would pay for it. I know from personal experience that asking someone to pay for the things they  demand that I do was the best way ever to quiet them, they never write back after that.

It was a way of saying goodbye to Ingrid, if you don’t make the connection quickly, you will not make it all and some people love to fight all day. I do not.

Ingrid did not reply, and that suggested to me that she was at least thinking about our dialogue, but of course I will never know. I will never hear from her again.

My Civility Project is a continuing work for me, it is for me as well as others. I have made great strides, I have more work to do. I think the real purpose of the project is to help me learn to be more patient, strong and civil. I know I will have many chances in my work to improve. The gift of snarky messages is that they will either devour one or you will learn to rise above them.

Take care, Ingrid, whoever you are and wherever you are. My wish for you is that you understand that mistakes are a part of life, the tone of your letter was one mistake. Helping people to see mistakes can be a gift, ridiculing them for it is a human failing. I hope you do print this exchange on your Facebook Page, people need to think about it. A lot.