Like many men, I like to pride myself on the idea that I am not emotional or dramatic when it comes to life, or when it comes to dogs. Because I grew up with so much of it, I am allergic to drama and resist it. The road to authenticity and self-awareness is long and hard, many triumphs and setbacks and lessons along the way.

The truth about dogs is that they are different than we are, and a life with them is not ever a straight line. We must expect life to assert itself, again and again.

Red is one of those things that can open me up, reveal my intense vulnerability and expose the lies I sometimes tell myself. For several days, he has not eaten, and if he does take any kind of food, he quickly vomits it up. Outside, he gobbles down grass and then comes and puts his head on my knee, licking his lips repeatedly and seemingly, trying to send me a message that I hear clearly: I am sick.

I won’t pretend I’m above it all, as I have sometimes been known to do, but I will confess that this issue is laden for me emotionally. I have lost some wonderful dogs – Rose, Izzy, Lenore – prematurely, and just when they ought to be settling in to maturity and aging.

I have also worked hard to overcome and control the anxiety and unease – and panic – I have so often felt in life, and that have crippled me and harmed so many. I must always be self-aware and honest with myself, for my sake and for the sake of those I love.

It always started the same way, with small symptoms that masked larger ones, and border collies are notorious stoics, you often never know how sick they are or have been. I am concerned. This has not ever happened with Red, he hasn’t been sick a day in his life.

I have loved those dogs, but never been closer to any dog than I am to Red. His work with the sheep, his extraordinary therapy work, his love of book readings and tours, his generous and calm spirit, his deep loyalty to me are not replaceable things. Red is a spirit dog, he came from my friend Dr. Karen Thompson to walk with me through this critical stage of my life. He is one of the magical helpers Joseph Campbell writes about on the hero journey.

He touches hearts and souls wherever he goes, and brightens lives.

Red is always by my side, always. This morning, I took him out to work with the sheep and he did well, but I can see he is not himself, he is not well. There is absolutely no reason to believe this is anything more serious than than a stomach disorder, yet I remember thinking that about Rose and Izzy and Lenore, all of whom were very sick and who died before their time.

I have worked hard on preventative care with Red – laser work, acupuncture, massage. And he has done well with all of those things. But no treatment is a guarantee of anything.

This morning, we are going to see Dr. Suzanne Farriello of the Cambridge Valley Veterinary, the vet who has treated Red these past several years and who knows him well, and a good and valued friend. I could not trust anyone more.

The definition of neuroses is the worry about things that are not real, and I need to be on guard against them. People easily get near hysterical about the animals they love, and I do not wish to overreact. But I also have to be honest with myself, and with you, and this brings up deep and painful memories, and not just about dogs.

So we’ll see what we can see this morning, and I will keep people posted and will soon be reporting that Red is fine, and walking alongside me again on our journey through life.