Note: This is a review of the much acclaimed new movie “Lady Bird” from Director Greta Gurwich. It is a comedy/drama (much more the latter than the former) and while I do not give the plot away, I do discuss some elements of the story line. Also,despite the fact that it earned an average metascore of 94 on IMDB, one of the highest of the year,  I had some serious issues with it. If either of those things bother  you, skip this. – jk

There is this deeply embedded idea in our popular culture – especially in Hollywood and the media – that  families are sacred.

No matter what happens, you must love your family and forgive them their trespass, because they are family, no matter, the only place where they must take you in, the place where all is forgiven, because even the worst cruelty often comes from love. And can be rationalized. They are family.

No friends or partners can ever supplant them or replace them, your life ultimately centers around them.

That this is blatantly false for so many people doesn’t seem to matter.

“Lady  Bird” is one of the most acclaimed and eagerly awaited movies of the season. Maria and i went to see it tonight. One reviewer who gave it a rating of 100 called it a “lovingly observed, pitch perfect coming-of-age comedy, Gerwig’s warm, astute account of the end of adolescence is a stunning solo debut.”

I was expecting a lot.

I was disappointed.

Almost all of the comedy was in the trailers or previews, I found the movie to have some wonderful writing and Saoirse Ronan was wonderful playing Christina “Lady Bird” McPherson, a tormented, lonely, strong-willed  teenager perpetually at war with her very anxious Helicopter Mom, Laurie Metcalf (Marion McPherson.)

I didn’t hear anyone in the theater laugh once, (I did once), nor was anyone smiling as they filed out.

On one level – exploring the pain of adolescent women – the movie succeeded brilliantly.

In most other ways, it failed for me. I was surprised.

Marion was almost unforgivably cruel and abusive to her daughter, for me, this way transcended argument and entered the realm of extreme cruelty, even abuse.

She told Lady Bird that she was fat, too stupid to get into a good college, ungrateful, lazy and ugly, she said she failed to be the best version of herself, and accused her (grossly unfairly) of being overweight,  ungrateful and hurtful to her father, a sweet, feckless and weak man suffering from depression.

She invaded her privacy and ridiculed her independence.

She told her repeatedly she would amount to nothing and shouldn’t even bother with any advanced schooling, which she said they could not afford. She was so selfishly possessive of Christina – who decided to call herself “Lady Bird” in a desperate big for independence – that father and daughter hid the fact that she was applying to college at all.

When the so-called lovingMom found out, she refused to even speak to Christina, even though her daughter begged her forgiveness (for daring to want to go to college and live her life).

In interviews, reviews, previews and trailers, we are told that beneath all of this shocking cruelty, this was just a Mom who loved her daughter so much she didn’t know how to help her.

And this is supposed to be another warm story about Mother-Daughter love. I didn’t see that movie tonight.

I won’t go into the details of the story line, but I knew how it must end from the very beginning – all must be forgiven, cruelty and abuse are just manifestations of love, they all get a free pass, and not only that, Christina spends much of her time groveling for affection and forgiveness. There are one or two scenes of connection. But so what?

This is family, it must end well.

If I saw this behavior in any child’s home, I would sound the alarm or demand that somebody – everybody – get counseling. We are learning every day that cruelty and harassment are not things to wink at, rationalize or excuse. They ought not be trivialized as cute and endearing.

We are told – rightly – that young women need role models who are strong, independent, and who can demand respect and dignity. Even Disney has figured that out. The message here is that parents can be wantonly crude and destructive, it doesn’t matter.

I know of many women who were broken by being treated this way at an early age in the name of love and concern. Even the movie showed some of the emotional scars on Christina.

I am at odds with almost all of the critics on this point – go and see the movie for  yourself, for sure, but I think truth took a beating here in the name of sappy Hollywood endings, which do not allow for family to sometimes be an unhealthy and destructive force that is best avoided.

I was rooting for Christina to flee, to run away, not to decide that this was just another way of being loved. And beg for forgiveness.

I should say I had cruel and abusive parents, and I got away from them and stayed away. They did not love me or deserve love, and while I certainly do forgive them – we all do our best – they don’t get a free pass either, any more than the powerful men who abuse trust and misuse power.

You don’t have to be sexually assaulted to be abused.

I have a daughter, and I cannot imagine saying those things to her, and neither did her mother, my ex-wife. If I ever saw my daughter’s mother say those things – she never would –  I would not abide it. What does being a parent mean? No one called Marion on her behavior or suggested it was hurtful, not loving.

It is not an excuse to be repeatedly cruel to a child in the name of love. And these attacks on Christina were not episodic outbursts – we all have those – they were systematic and wounding.

Nor can I ever imagine Emma saying any of those things to my granddaughter Robin. Those attacks could have damaged Emma terribly, and shattered her confidence and self-respect.

That’s not all OK. It isn’t cute or funny, and it isn’t love either. You don’t have to be a smarmy power-mad man to abuse a young woman at the most sensitive time of her life. Kids can be hurt badly that way.

The movie does do a good job of conveying adolescent female angst, but i felt that almost everyone in the film was a stereotype.

The sometimes vicious mother was just expressing love in her own way, the father stood by silently while his daughter was mistreated and even reviled.

There was the shallow and spiteful best friend who was not really a friend (has anyone ever seen a nice rich suburban kid in the movies?), and the overweight and loving true best friend, who, despite rejection, is really the best friend, boy friends who are never what they seem to be, and evil rich kids on the good side of the tracks.

Christina was the only one in the movie I loved or really cared about. She was great.

I understand that this might just be my issue, not yours,  since I am so out of sync with almost every critic writing about this movie. Please consider that I might just be wrong, we all have to make up our own minds.

The wonder of being human is that we can all see things in our own and individual way.