To care for the elderly, I think, requires me to bring myself into their reality. It’s not just about giving, it’s also about taking. As I have learned, the chance to give is a great gift, a mark of humanity and meaning, and it is too often denied those at the edge of life.
They are rarely given a chance to care for other human beings.
By letting them help me to give up the illusion that I am the sole creator and manager of my own life, and that nothing and no one can suddenly take it away from me. They know better. They are ahead of me, not behind me, if I listen, they have great wisdom to share.
This poverty of hubris, for lack of a better term, this new humility, can free me to receive the elderly into my life and see them as friends, rather than piteous and dependent creatures I must minister to. I have to listen to them, stand in their shoes, shed my own delusions about immorality.
I am not there to save them, or alter the course of their lives, or bring back what they have lost. I am not there to tell them everything will be fine.
When I have emptied myself of these conceits, then we can share our lives together, more as equals than the strong and the needy.
For the very first time today, I talked about my own work, my own aging process. I am, for the first time, paying attention to what they can offer rather than just what it is I have to give. And they respond with warmth, even love.
Today, we kicked off the new Mansion outing and lunch program, something I have been plotting for months. It is much easier on a warm and breezy day.
it was a beautiful day.
Julie, the Mansion Activities Director came, along with Jackie, a new resident (and sharp Bingo player) and Peggie. I believe this is one of the things the Mansion residents need and appreciate the most – the chance to get out into the world and interact with people and just talk in a different environment. Of all the residents, Peggie is most out in the world. She goes to Bingo games, amusement parks, she visits the homes and children and grandchildren of her six children.
She is up for anything, any time.
These outings into the world stimulates and uplifts them. Today, we needed a Mansion staffer present because Jackie and Peggie both needed walkers. In the coming weeks, I’ve invited several Mansion residents – Madeline, Jean, Joan, Bob, Sylvie, to come out to lunch, just me and them, or sometimes, Maria.
The residents are free to come and go as they wish, all I need to do is sign them out and take good care of them.
Those I’ve asked so far are very excited about the idea, we’ll go to local restaurants. The residents usually eat simply, they order a sandwich and a cookie. The meals are inexpensive.
Today, the meal was $34.72 for four BLT sandwiches and three cookies, Ginger and two Chocolate Chip.
Most use walkers and/or wheelchairs, which fit easily into the back of my SUV. We stash them around the corner until they are needed.
It was a beautiful day, the conversation moved easily and warmly, as everyone settled in and got comfortable. Jackie was shy, we have had little contact. She is quite bright and articulate. I asked Peggie what she hoped for, and she said she wished to be “loud and awesome.” I said she was already there.
We talked about the outings we wished to go out on – there is much interest in the Adirondack Animal Park, about an hour away. I told them I wanted to plan another boat ride, they so loved it.
There is work involved – shooing away flies and wasps, brushing off crumbs, ferrying food and water, guiding to the bathrooms, clearing the tables.
There is a safari ride that cars can drive thought. Everyone wants to go on that, in the Adirondacks, there are all sorts of newborn babies there, but it costs $17 a person plus lunch and we would have to limit the people to eight or nine, I think. Three staffers would also have to go. We are still talking it over.
I’m going to talk to park officials this week to see about a discount.
It was a lovely time, Peggie and Jackie were relaxed, they talked about aging, keeping their minds busy. It was more like having dinner with two friends that two elderly people in need. That was precisely what I had hoped for.
This lunch/outing idea feels good to me. It doesn’t take long, and fits into my idea of small acts of great kindness. No miracles, we are not looking to alter fate and reality.