Not too long ago, parents and grandparents died at home, surrounded by loved ones who came to see and understand life and death. That is no longer true for most people.
For Ed’s grandchildren, nothing is hidden. They are not protected from death, they know exactly what is happening and what will happen. They participate in almost every part of his illness, in a way few children in our time are permitted to do.
The Boomer culture is driven by the idea that children must be protected from the trials and sadness of life, the farm family has a different ethos, when there is trouble they all band together.
Boomer parents work feverishly to prevent their children’s problems or to solve them. That is not what happens with farm families.
The children are a part of everything, they see everything, from chores to slaughter to the death of people they love. They are left alone to solve problems, the Gulley grandchildren are strong and confident. (The farm community is gathering to create a food chain for the Gulleys, so a meal is brought to them every single night.)
It is a beautiful thing to sit and watch Jaiboy and Schuyler care for Ed while Carol is out doing chores. Jaiboy is handing Ed the colored markers for her sketches, Schuyler is asking him if he wants something to eat.
They do not flinch or show any kind of uneasiness, they are poised and competent. They want to be there, they want to help. They pay close attention to Ed and what they are doing.
Ed loves being around his grandchildren, as they love him, he says it is wonderfully helpful and uplifting to him to have him there.
In the video below, Schuyler asks Ed if he wants anything to eat, and he asks for some ice cream.
She brings it, helps him to eat it with care and skill – the adults do not monitor or praise their children, they are given the chance to do well on their own – and Ed accepts their care and love. Come and see this vignette of love and care and the rich community of a farm family. Very few children are raised in this way, in most of our culture, they are strangers to death.
That is a sorry thing.
It is profoundly spiritual and healing thing when they are present.