It seems my plans for a perfect three-day retreat were undone by life, as often happens. The Mansion Christmas, Red’s recovery, and some painful personal happenings disrupted things a bit.
I thought I could flee from the abyss, but life doesn’t often work that way.
The good news is that I did get a lot of work done on one new chapter, and I’m expanding the idea of the retreat into next week. I don’t have to make it all so extreme. It feels like drama to me.
I can build a retreat into my way of life anytime I wish, I don’t need to put an artificial boundary around it.
The holidays are a good time for me to finish my book, and I will get up early some mornings and work into the night on other mornings. This is pretty much how I always do my books.
And I will keep publishing on the blog, I can’t quite bear to stop taking pictures, and all the kidding aside, it’s true that I need to share the images and snapshots and trajectories of my life with all of you.
There is no way I’m not going to share photos of Bud helping Red work the sheep. That is not who I am.
There it is, another learning curve in the new world. This is another way around the abyss for me. Like so many others, there is a deep hole in my being, it feels like an abyss.
I will never fill that hold, my needs are far too deep, I am too broken. I have to work around it and believe in a spiritual world where the abyss will close of its own accord.
Since the hold is so big and my anguish so deep, I will always be tempted to run away from it, to flee into retreats or other evasions. Anything seems easier than looking down that hole.
So I have to avoid extremes: drowning in my own and emotions, or being distracted by so many things that I lose sight of the wounds I am always trying to heal.
I will finish my book over the holidays. I will take my photos, and publish my words on the blog and be available to Maria and to my friends.
The challenge is to never let the abyss rule my life, and also to never forget the wounds I am working to heal.
Jon: I am at much the same place that you are–age, journey, woundedness. And I follow your journey and learn from it. Thank you for being so open in your writing. Know that it helps this fellow traveller. Struggle on, my friend, and so will I.
My wounds don’t come from age, they came much earlier. I like being older, I’m much better at it than I was being younger.
This has to be one of your most beaituful photos ever. Love it… Judy
Your pictures are so spectacular, like this one today.
What is it Jon Kabat Zinn says? “Where ever you go, there you are.” You’re fine. Better than fine. Quite wonderful, actually. Fact is, I forget that about myself all the time. I have to breathe, come back into the moment and breathe some more. And by golly, here I am. (Too preachy? Sorry)
Please take care of yourself. I sense you are deep in depression and I very well know its debilitating effects. Your writing which I’ve béen reading since your first book with your two Labradors has always warmed my heart and often brought a needed smile to my face. Even though I’ve never met you I will be so bold as to say Be Well My Friend.
Paula, thanks I’m sorry but I am not in a depression at all, deep or not. My issue has always been anxiety not depression, and I’m feeling quite great about my life now. I think a healthy life is an examined one, and that’s what I true to do. I appreciate the good thoughts, but if I were in a depression, I would certainly say so, I am a warrior for transparency.
I am glad When you show up here. I. Read you every day.
Thanks Diane, showing up is half the game..
Jon, thank you for putting words to feelings for us – a writer’s gift. Who said an unexamined life is not worth living? I don’t remember, and I agree.
thank you..
Jon, your picture is beautiful . I’m glad Bud is close to Red. Red is a wonderful dog and I’m glad he’s doing better and is able to work in a limited way. Don’t stop taking your pictures and also the ones of your animals . I think they are great. I love looking at them.It looks like maybe Bud will help out Red in his own way and will be herding the sheep .
You are a seeker. You are ever growing wiser. Your role in leading other seekers is gentle and profound peppered with the most beautiful lesions about being human and loving animals and ourselves. You will find find your peace within because that is what we are designed to do.
Some holes are like singularities with their own gravitational pull. You can’t over come them but only try for a slowly decaying orbit.
This photo has to be one of your most beautiful yet..although all are lovely, this one is quite stunning!!
Jon, this photograph is spectacular, a real beautiful thing to behold. I thank you and appreciate all your sharing of the good, the bad and the ugly. It makes you real… like me!
Thanks Jocelyn, I’ve decided to put this photo up for sale. Anyone interested can go to Maria’s etsy page…fullmoonfiberart or contact her directly, [email protected]. Got a lot of requests to sell it, thanks for the good words.
Jon, I met you and your Blog nearly nine years ago, I have made many mistakes in the first half of my life. I am still puzzling through my previous and present life. Reading your thoughts and pondering my own is very helpful to my quest for Wholeness. Thank you again for your open spirit and sharing your heart.