2018 was a discordant year in so many ways for me.

Beyond the farm, so much tension and anger.

Within the farm, and in my life, so much peace and love and contentment. I sometimes wonder why it is that we can do it here, but they can’t do it there.

But I remind myself that I am small, they are very big.

I don’t have the answer, it just clouds my head.

Here, there is love, friendship, meaning. Every day. Out there I look for practical good to do in the real world. That’s how I learn and grow.

I think Bud and Red are two great symbols of my year.  Two loving creatures, each rescued from trouble and sent to my farm. One at the beginning of life, one heading towards the end. Fate shares in the joy of life, my dogs lift me up and mark the passages of my life.

They love one another and stand by one another and are together whenever it is possible for them to be. Red helped show Bud how to live in his bewildering new world, Bud has stood by Red during his illness in every possible way, a soul nourishing thing to see.

They draw comfort from one another, just as I draw comfort from them.

I think of Maria and her Belly Dancing, 2018 was a year of growth and strength for her in almost every way. She is coming into herself, she has found her voice and stands firmly in her truth and her boundless creativity and energy. What a gift to be able to watch this miracle.

I accept, finally, her love for me, it will always be new to me and seem fragile. But I know it is very real and eternal.

I think of Joanie and the people I have come to know and love at the Mansion, a strange and diverse crew. They have become my family in many ways I am grateful to know them.

I think of Ali and the soccer team, the refugees and immigrants we met and helped in different ways. What a rich and uplifting experience for me.

I think of the generosity, trust and compassion of the many good people who call themselves the Army Of Good. They are good.

I think of my farm, my haven and home. It is a place of light. The Bible begins with the famous phrase “in the beginning…” And there was light. In the Kabbalah, light is a code word for an all-encompassing radiance, for divine love.

In my photographs and writing and life, I seek out the light all around me.

And beyond my narrow boundaries.

I think in particular of Hazel in West Virginia. Her husband worked for much of his life in the coal mines and died three years ago of lung cancer. She is still trying to pay his medical bills. She lost a son to the opioid epidemic. She lost a breast to cancer in January, and a beloved dog to a speeding truck in October.

She sends $5 – always a worn and crumpled single bill – to my post office box, (Me, P.O. Box 205, Cambridge, N.Y., 12816) every single month, she calls herself the Appalachian Social Security Agency.

I have a stack of her $5  bills right on my desk for inspiration.

Hazel is drowning in medical bills and may lost her home – her husband had no pension. I tried to send her a check for $300 but she tore it up and sent me a letter scolding me for sending her money.

“Give it to the people in the Mansion or those refugee children,” she wrote,”I can take care of myself, I’ve done it for nearly 70 years.”

Every week, for nearly two years, a $5 or five one dollar bills. I’m going to use the money to buy fresh socks and underwear for a woman in the Mansion who needs both.

I think Hazel would like that.

In my mind, Hazel is a true hero, others would be battered by so much hard life, Hazel shows us how we can rise above ourselves. She reminds me to be careful about what I complain or whine about.

My year was marked by getting to know people like this, and earning their trust and affection. I must be learning how to be a better person to win the trust of people like Hazel.

In my own rich life, there is much to celebrate. Troubled times have been clarifying for me, I commit small acts of great kindness every day and am better and wiser and happier for it. I feel  a lot of guilt about feeling good while so many people are feeling frightened and angry.

Do I deserve happiness?

I vowed several years ago that I will not spend the rest of my life in anger and argument,  have kept my promise.

I have learned a lot in 2018 and I will share some of that with all of you in the next few days, if you can stand it. I think of Paul Tillich’s profound reminder that it is our destiny and the destiny of everything in our world that we must come to an end. Every end that I experience in nature and in my life and therapy work and  mankind speaks to me with a loud voice: I will also come to an end.

In the meantime, every day is precious, I live in the eternal now.

I practice forgiveness for what has passed. I hope for courage for what is to come. My faith is acceptance and empathy. And love where I can find it.

I look for acceptance, even when I am unacceptable. I look for the light.