For much of my life, I’ve struggled with the boundaries of friendship, and its limits and ethics: what do I really owe my friends? What do they owe me?
I’ve had a lot of trouble with these questions. I can’t say I’ve figured it out yet, but I’m getting better at it, I’m getting closer. Some people tell me that they wish they knew then what they know now, but this seems spurious to me.
One of the benefits of getting older for me is that I have screwed up enough things to learn how to not screw them up if I think about it.
I couldn’t do that when I was young.
One lesson for me is the importance of boundaries, I consider them the foundation of a secure and healthy life. I can’t save you and you can’t save me, we have to do that for ourselves. I don’t give big pieces of me away any longer, I don’t take big pieces away from my friends.
I have come to see the importance of truth and authenticity. Once I started telling the truth, it was quite astonishing how many people ran away, preferred drama and avoidance and delusion. I was hurt by this until I realized how much better off I was without people who run from me. You cannot have a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person, I heard that from more than one shrink.
What do I owe my friends?
I owe them honesty. I owe them the truth about how I feel.
I want to ask them for help if I need it.
I want them to say no if they can’t help me
no questions asked.
I never use guilt on my friends. I don’t lure them with food or gifts.
I want to help them if they need it, and if I can.
I want to say no when I can’t.
I can’t be friends with anyone who lies to me,
or who lies to themselves.
I owe my friends a full life beyond them,
they owe me the same.
I owe them empathy, I want to stand in their shoes,
but not walk in them.
I don’t want them to hide behind me, or lean on me
for the things, they must do themselves.
I owe them loyalty and an ear.
I owe them their space, they owe me mine.
I am never their saviors, they are never mine.
I owe them no strings attached. I owe them the
freedom to be themselves, and to let me be me.
They owe me nothing that doesn’t come from a place of
dignity and self-respect.
I owe them nothing that takes away my dignity and self-respect.
Every word well said and true. I wish I could have understood this many years ago. Thank you.
Thank you for this.
You are the best.
Thanks Jon, this is a very nice summary of a healthy relationship.
Wow, Jon. I would say that’s a philosophy for all, not just friends; it is so pure. Interdependence, rather than dependence. I loved this, thank you.
I was ordained at age 64. I think the closer you are to God or what’re you call your higher spirit the more you feel the desire and the importance of truth-telling.
Interesting Deb, thanks..and congratulations..
I have been thinking a lot about those who criticize your training of dogs. I am an artist and truly believe that each person, as well as animal, are different from each other. Therefore no dog fits into a mold and should be treated like every other dog. One needs to watch and listen to find how each reacts on its own way. It is the rigid person who says something should be done in a certain way. I believe, in at least your writings, that you are an intuitive person who adjusts to situations like personalities and traits in others. What a boring, unfeeling world it would be if formulas a followed so all beings follow the same path. I applaud your working with needy people. I am active in our local church where we support many programs to help those who have chosen to come to our area from foreign countries. They contribute so much to work ethics where many born here expect entitlements and do not put in an effort to EARN them. Keep up the good work as long as you can.
You have defined “sanity” for us. I do appreciate that.
You nailed it!