It’s always the same, a defeated, sort of lonely feeling, when I get sick, and I struggle to not be sick, and then I am sick, and the inevitable surrender, my body has its own ideas, and doesn’t usually listen to me.
I started getting sick yesterday, and Maria said I looked awful, exhausted and uncomfortable. Of course, she can tell when I am sick, and I don’t seem to be able to see that myself.
It was inevitable, really, everyone at the Mansion got sick, and why wouldn’t I?
What is there in the human psyche – in my human psyche – that is so stubborn about letting go for just a few days to rest and get well? Why does this seem like such a surrender?
Why do I fight it so hard when the people I trust look me in the eye and tell me I need to get into bed.
I took this photo this morning, it was bleak and captured my mood in the very bitter cold.
I’m going to call the Bingo game tonight, no you won’t. I’m going to drive with you to your mother’s tomorrow, no you can’t. You’ll get people sick. I’m going out to do some chores, no you won’t, you’re going to rest.
I fight and I fight and I fight but it’s always the same. My body slips away from me and doesn’t listen to me. I feel the fever, my stomach is in revolution, Maria is right, I am tired. If I just rest, I’ll feel better.
So why don’t I? On some level, I know I’m sick. What’s the value in denying it?
What is it about the human consciousness, at least my human consciousness, that finds it so hard to yield, even to the inevitable, even to the obvious. A shrink told me I learned when I was young to mistrust what people tell me. It’s always the same, I always have to give into it.
Why do I have to make such a struggle out of it? Maybe I think by denying it, I can make it go away. More hubris.
And then I got an e-mail from a student at Bishop Maginn, saying “Mr. Katz, we are worried about you, we hear that you are sick. Please be well…”
And Maria said everyone at the Mansion during the Bingo game – she went to call the game – heard that I was sick and hoped I would be well soon. Those people, who suffer so much from being sick, were worried about me.
I surrender, as I always do. I’m getting into bed. Maybe next time I’ll remember and I won’t fight so hard. Not likely, is it?
Jon, sorry to hear you are temporarily side-lined with whatever, getting sick and growing old is for other people, to me. it’s always a surprise when it does happen to me. What else was I thinking…but your apple tree photos remind me so much of Piet Mondrian’s paintings of an apple tree, just wanted to share that with you.
Sandy Proudfoot, Canada
Piet Mondrian..I wouldn’t have thought of that, thanks Sandy..a high compliment..
Look after yourself please, please. I have felt similar. I have sleep apnea as well as congestive heart failure. When I catch an infection this winter-and I will, I have to try to sleep sitting up = a lost cause. So I listen to audiobooks through the night. Depression follows so quickly. My loving husband keeps me going.
You will come out of this, trust me. I wonder if you realize how many of us are holding our arms out to you? Trust Your wife, she knows you best of all.
Jon, please remember that your immune system is you primary doctor. I hope you get well soon.