“You often say “I would give, but only to the deserving,” The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pastures. They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.” – Kahlil Gibran.

The mystic William Blake said there is no greater act than putting another before you. I learned this when I had a child; I learned it when I lost two children. I learned it when I failed to do this in my first marriage.

I learned it in a better way in my second marriage, and I discover it with the residents at the Mansion and the students at Bishop Maginn High School almost every day.

I left the corporate life behind because it was making me crazy and angry and hard. There, the ethos was to put yourself above everyone, and everyone was a potential enemy. I couldn’t do it after a while.

Putting others before me is perhaps the most difficult and valuable lesson I’ve ever learned. I acknowledge that many good deeds are selfish, at least for me, because they make me feel good about myself.

But selfless giving is a pure form of love and a powerful form.

I’ve read that selfless giving is at the base of meaningful love. For much of my life, I fought against letting the needs of others define me. Putting someone else ahead of me is also called co-dependence, and can be destructive and crippling to health and independence.

Sometimes, the challenge is difficult: be kind to ourselves or be helpful to others. A worker at the Mansion – a good and valued aide – found herself in desperate straits and asked me for a loan to help her pay her rent. She said she’d pay me back in a couple of months.

After some agonizing, I said no.

I am not in the loan business; loaning money is a friendship killer and would be harmful to me and the way I work. It would also set an awful precedent. I raise money in the open and give it in the open. I’m not a lender.

And I know that people who can’t pay their rent are unlikely to pay loans back, and then friendships bend and break. But what I love is to say yes, not no. That is the role I chose.

A week later, I bought a present for one of the aide’s sons. Supporting the children of the Mansion workers is something I do. I expect nothing in return; most of the time, the children don’t even know where the gift comes from.

Making decisions like that is difficult for me. I am not God and have no wish to play God. But if you have some money to give and are surrounded by people who need it quite genuinely, you have to look inside of you and follow your heart.

There is no right or wrong, only the best I can do.

I am often helping people, often saying now, I can’t do that.

For me, selfless comes from wanting nothing in return and expecting nothing – no praise, no thanks, no gratitude. I give for me, and out of my own heart, I am looking for nothing in return.

I had a good friend some years ago, and we had an awful falling out. I don’t remember it, but I believe we were hateful to one another. I really don’t know if it was my fault or not, or if placing blame is useful.

It was a hard time for me, after my heart surgery and my breakdown. I messaged her today and said I would be open to getting to talking to her and getting to a better place if she wanted to do that. It was an impulsive decision, I just felt I ought to do it.

I doubt she will answer my message; I doubt we will ever talk again. That’s her decision now, not mine. But I am glad I was able to message her, her silence will tell me what happened was meant to be and had to be.

I did this for me, not her, and I expect nothing back. If our friendship was real, we will find a way to shed the burden of anger and cruelty.

Out of this searching has grown a sense of integrity.

I have an internal alarm now that I trust. When my friend at the Mansion asked me for a loan to help pay her rent, an alarm went off deep inside of me. That is not what I do, that crosses the boundary.

I have no codebook or set of written rules; I have to trust myself and listen to the grave, deep part of me that knows right from wrong and lets me know what feels good and what doesn’t.

I remember my therapist telling me that someone like me needed to be guided by a simple rule: if it doesn’t feel good, run, and don’t look back. That advice has saved me and helped me many times.

If it doesn’t feel right, it isn’t right, and if it is right if it feels better than almost anything else in the world.

It was the right decision to say no to a loan. We are still good friends weeks later, better; I am sure than if I had said yes. Boundaries are the foundation of health.

Given a chance to be who I am, and to define myself, I can extend myself in kindness.

If  I can achieve and maintain this authenticity, then the stream of empathy and compassion will flow naturally and correctly. I don’t need to be a saint to be good or great discipline, all I need is an open heart.

I think the most selfless love for me has come in knowing the refugee and needy children at Bishop Maginn High School.

Because they are young and open, they are pure and on the brink of life. Help for them can change their lives, and last for generations.

Because they are young, they don’t yet know how much they have suffered or how much they need. They haven’t yet learned self-pity and complaint. And they need everything.

It is the purest kind of joy to give them what they need, and they do thank me, and quite often.  But I rarely see them and hardly know them, and when they move on I doubt I will ever see them again. That feels right to me.

This how I feel about the new Cheer Squad (I am meeting them on Wednesday.)

It seems to me that the task of learning selfless giving was to remove what obstructed and blocked me so that I can who I am, and hold little or nothing back.

Sometimes that is obnoxious, sometimes even offensive. But at least, and finally, it is me.