31 January

Musings About Grief

by Jon Katz

I was thinking about Red today, and that brought me to musings about grieving for dogs, something I know many people struggle to deal with.

So I decided to share my thoughts. I don’t tell other people what to do, but I’ve researched this subject thoroughly and written about it often.

People often tell me it helps, so I do it.

*I learned to be wary of narcissism. Everybody who loves dogs has experienced loss and sorrow when I lose a dog; I take care to remember we will all end, our dogs will die, our friends and family will die, death is a much a part of life as breathing. I have worked hard to accept it, rather than run from it.

I don’t say this to be maudlin or gloomy; death is one of the few things that bond us together in a way no argument can wash away. Death is the great uniter, for people, for people who love dogs.

When someone tells you their dog died, don’t tell them about your dog who died. Just say you’re sorry and ask if there is anything you can do to help.

The official name is empathy, and there is no quicker or better way of getting me out of myself and my grief.

*I’ve interviewed a lot of shrinks in my research, and every one of them says the same thing. Grieving is natural, healthy, inevitable. Extreme grieving can be something else.

If people cannot find a way to move on over time, they may need professional help; dogs are very important to people these days, some people just can’t let go.

*If you love dogs, as I do, then you ought to have a dog. Once I have grieved for a dog in whatever way I need, and for as long as I need,  I begin thinking about another dog and looking for one to appear in my life. One always does, and it makes me happy and heals and softens grief and loss.

Let’s face it, if you want dogs in your life, you will know grief, so best figure out a way to handle it, and when you can, move forward when you must.

*Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. Don’t tell anyone else to “move on” or “just get over it.” Not only is that not helpful, but it’s also cruel. Don’t try to cure someone else’s grief or take it on or presume to fix it.

Grief will make its way in its own time. Let it; you are not God, don’t play God. Let people have their pain. Don’t dump yours onto them. I am always shocked when a dog of mine dies, and discover that people can’t wait to tell me about how a dog of theirs died.

*I see the death of every dog as an opportunity to get another beautiful dog, to learn from my mistakes, to do my homework, to think through what it is I need or want in a dog. A new dog should be considered, not just bought or automatically rescued.

I am a strong advocate of people thinking long and hard about what they need and expect in a dog and then looking carefully for one who meets those needs and desires and training them so that they may live happily and safely in our world.

A dog need not be a crapshoot. Good breeders, conscientious rescue people, vets,  trained shelter workers can help you get the right dog for you. Let them.

*I do not ever listen to anyone who tells me there is only one way to get a dog, or who says the only moral way to get a dog is to rescue one.

I have gone to good breeders, good rescue groups, good shelters for my dogs, and always been happy and well treated. I also know there are bad breeders, irrational rescue groups, and bad shelters.

We are on our own when it comes to getting a dog, there are few rules and regulations.  I walk slowly and carefully.

I’ve always got the dogs I needed; I work hard to find them, train them, and live well with them.

There is no substitute for thought and work and self-awareness; I never let anyone else be self-aware for me when it comes to getting a dog.

What’s moral to me is getting a dog carefully and thoughtfully. Buying one as an ethical statement alone is not a moral choice in my mind. The people who tell me how to get a dog, or that there is only one way to do it are not my friends or friends of dogs.

*A good vet is central to healthy grieving. Make sure you have a vet you can talk to and who will listen to you. Go over your values,  needs, and wishes at the outset; don’t wait for a crisis to figure out what your boundaries, financial resources, and emotions are. Chaos leads to guilt, the bane of the dog mourner.

When it’s time for a dog to die, be honest about what’s happening, with yourself, your family, your kids. Say goodbye, buy him or her a juicy hamburger. Give thanks for the joyous time you had. Remember that pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice.

I’ve interviewed a lot of people about grieving for dogs, and what I’ve found is this: the loving people nearly drown in guilt, the creepy people feel none. Guilt is useless and destructive. Just go around it and move ahead.

My creed is this, and it has stood up to time: I do the best I can for as long as I can.

A good vet is a partner; they help us keep our dogs in the world, and help us let them go in comfort and dignity.

*Stewardship is a useful model for me. I do not ever prolong a dog’s life for my sake, or subject a dog of mine to expensive and frightening surgeries. When my dogs cannot lead a natural life or find pleasure or joy in life, my job as their advocate to help them leave us in comfort and as little pain as possible.

I hope this is helpful. I did write a book about it; it’s called: “Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die.

 

8 Comments

  1. Hi Jon…I have found that what works for me after I lose one of my beloved dogs is to get another one as soon as possible. Does that mean I am cold…no it does not. It helps me to heal with a new little critter. I think you probably share the same sentiments based on this post….Thanks for your comments on grief…..

  2. I have that book. I bought it when my Aussie died and read it again when, 10 years later, my Border Collie died
    It helped me very much to let them go. I love them both to this day, but in a comfortable way.
    And I have adopted an older dog who needed someone like me and I needed a quiet gentle dog like her.
    Thank you for writing that book.

  3. I am lucky enough to have a good vet that does just what you mentioned. You have to do what is best for your dog and not be selfish.

  4. I have given copies of Going Home: Finding Peace When Pets Die to several people. All of them, including me, have found it very helpful during the grieving process when we’ve lost a pet. Thanks for writing it, Jon.

  5. Someone gave me that book when my first dog, as an adult, was dying of cancer. Your book helped me tremendously! I have been a fan of your writing ever since.

  6. I just had to have one of my dogs euthanized a couple of days ago. I often find your blog posts to be timely for me, odd as that may be. As you have written in the past, they do have short lives that tend to mark time for those of us who live with them. It was a sad day, he was a sweetheart, but the sun came out the next day, and life moved on, my other dogs didn’t seem to notice his absence, although I do think they sensed my mood. Thanks you for your writings.

  7. I have that book and it was a tremendous help when Ebon died. I shared it with my niece when her dog died and she said it brought her relief in her decision. Thank you for writing such a helpful book. I will continue to share it with those open to reading it .

  8. I am still grieving the loss of my beloved border collie Vegas in early November. Stomach cancer robbed her from us and her ability to eat, especially that juicy burger I wish I could have fed her. I was expecting to have her many more years so the abrupt ending just after her 12th birthday was a shock. I think that is why I still am so emotional. Plus, she was a certified and working Therapy dog at a local rehab/nursing/nursing home facility with weekly visits for 9 years. Vegas’ health caused us to stop in October as vets at my practice tried to figure out what was wrong. Our friends there never saw her again which broke all our hearts. Your words with this post were good for me. I read your book when it came out. I may read it again.

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