I was so busy getting back to work I forgot to take a day and think about what happened. Physically, the healing seems to be going beautifully; we’ll know for sure Monday morning when we see Dr. Daly, examine the wound, and change the bandages. I have never seen my foot without a toe, and I suspect it will take some time.
I hope to take much of the weekend to absorb this experience and make sense of it. I am feeling some sadness and loss, as was predicted by the doctors. This morning, I hope to go out with Maria and get more giant pansies to ease the burden on the small ones holding the fort. I might also plant some bulbs I’ve been storing in my study. They will be in deep and protected soil from cold if there is any.
I want to sit out in our chairs and watch the sky today, read a book, talk, and sleep. I am still pretty tired and not sleeping well. The pain is well under control.
It is a beautiful day to be alive and in love, and I mean to make the best of it. My blue sky was waiting for me, and some soft and gentle clouds were also.
Still life, Maria’s socks on a chair. I would know these were her socks no matter where I came across them.
Some lonely pansies are holding the fort until reinforcement flowers arrive. I’m planting some bulbs today and getting some more pansies. Help is on the way.
What’s interesting about this new camera/lens whatever is that certain small things — like hairs — are relatively over emphasized compared to the other items in the photos (eyes, nose, cheeks,… ) It’s interesting and kind of magical but I think after time it might become kind of overdone, cliche’ish, since it’s the camera not the artist creating it.
Actually, Budd, it’s the artist, not the camera…closing in on eyes and faces is a setting I was experimenting with. It will only be overdone if I overdo it; thanks for the observation.
A long time ago, when I was still working with horses, I was caught out by a mare that had just foaled a few days before. She was owned (inasfar as any animal can be) by a lady whom I found out later was suffering from a mental illness. I was just visiting with my trainer and nobody had told me about her condition. The thing is, animals often reflect their owner’s mental health, and so did this mare, who attacked me and bit me in the cheek. It happened so very fast, there was no pain, just a ‘thump’. I held my hand on my cheek, half smiling and said to my trainer: “O wow, she almost got me!” What I did not know is that blood was streaming from my face. I saw something bad was up in their faces. We went back to the house, I did not want to see my face, but there was one of those fogged-glass windows and all I saw was red. Eek. Went to the hospital, got stitched up and still declined to see it. The lady, at the same time, held my hand and was commenting on how beautiful it was to see muscle structure and veins in the open wound. It was then I realised that she was not entirely sane. Anyway: 3 days in the bandage sort of came loose and I had to replace it myself. There was no way around it: I had to see it. It was a horrible shock and a gruesome meeting with reality, with my new face. It took two weeks for the swelling to go down and to this day I carry a 7 cm long scar. Because it is so long ago, it has faded, and many people only know me with this face. It was quite the experience and to this day I am always aware of the scar. I was never a vain person, but to have this in your face really does cause grief, so I understand what you are going through. I think the hardest thing for me was that everyone could see it. Some people stared at me with mouth open. Others could only look at the scar in conversations and I would often lower myself, turn my face and tell them: Hellowe, my eyes are up here! Or: Be careful, if you mouth stays open like that, the flies will come in… It is what it is. Your foot is public knowledge because of your blog, but other than that it is your personal business. I am sure it will look weird and shocking. Then again: your surgery was not the result of trauma. It was planned on an otherwise healthy piece of you and what I would expect is a fairly clean stitched up wound, especially if the healing process continues as it goes now. Before long, you will not even think of it anymore.
And hey, my daily dumb 30 minutes is Bold and Beautiful and one of the villains recently cut off her toe and with virtual reality we got many looks at the 4 toed-foot. 🙂
Such good news, so much love from Maria and the dogs. I call it boot camp, toe respectably gone. It served its purpose and again your decision. Pain we go through when we grow, and your toe while it served its purpose was a loss, the toe “hidden” by bandages to help through the loss, the reveal has to wait a little so that you can go through the boot camp training. In the end, I feel if your toe could talk it would have said let me go so that you can move forward. Of course it will be a reminder when you see it, but I think it will be a reflection of emotions you will conquer. Just like boot camp, we train to be aware, gather knowledge, respect the training so that we can move ahead, even more wisely then when we went in or in another way look at it like education, pre-K gets us ready for kindergarten, etc. All the while, though we may not realize it, we are in control. You were in control the whole time, had a good attitude, good support but most importantly so much love, from your wonderful Maria, your faithful dogs, your animals, your audience. Continued healing, love, support and maintaining your positive attitude! What a great example you are. You have brought light when darkness knocked on my door, so deepest gratitude Mr. Jon Katz, pleasure to know you.