Physically, I’m back to myself. I realized I took too many edibles last week, and it brought it all back, things long buried and best forgotten. I’m told I should try some cannabis again; I’m not good at quitting when I start something. Sometimes I need to let go.
I took too many edible gummies last week, as is now apparent to me, and I paid for it. I got awfully sick.
But the important thing now is that the emotional damage is surprisingly deep and hurtful, and it makes me very sad. My body seems fine, but my mind is not yet healed; I have more work to do.
The cannabis edibles brought back memories that I never wanted to bring up again.
Neither do I want to jump on the growing American victim train, and so many people – I think of women and immigrants and enslaved people – have had it a lot worse than me and have a very legitimate claim to suffering.
I’ve had a lucky life for the most part. Everyone suffers in one way or another. I feel joy all the time.
But I promised to be honest and have been whenever possible. So let’s be honest.
I suffered severe physical, emotional, and sexual abuse as a child, and this weekend brought all of it back – the terror, the shame, the loss of bodily control, the nightmares, the anger, the sick stomach, and the out-of-control body.
I don’t need to offer any details.
I was watching the mystery Shetland last night with Maria, and after one of his deputies had been raped, she told her boss Jimmy Perez, that she was trying hard to be strong and well, but it was so painful and exhausting she could barely stand it.
I turned to Maria, and she saw my face and asked what was wrong; I said, “I can’t compare myself to anyone, let alone a woman who was raped, but when she said that, it was as if a dam burst and a flood of pain, terror, and degradation just poured through me. I felt dirty, ashamed, and guilty, as if it was my fault.”
That’s what it feels like,” I said, “It feels like a violation again, like something entered into my very being and body and violated my spirit and pride.” And it all came gushing back, and it was awful.
Tosh, the deputy in the show, spoke to my heart, much to my surprise and confusion. I am not a woman and cannot ever feel what so many have felt for so long. But what I did feel hit me like a hammer and chewed up my insides. I was right back there.
Degraded and helpless and terror-stricken were the words that came to me and that I still feel, and I had to turn off the show and sit with Maria and talk to her.
As always, Maria was patient, listening, and loving. We turned off the stream and talked and then went to bed. I slept very little last night, and then I remembered how well I slept the first time I took the cannabis.
So I know I’m okay, but I see this will take a little longer to heal. This other stuff hurt too much. I just can’t whistle and pretend it’s over. I was caught in a dread recreation.
I called my daughter Emma, who is very honest with me. We are getting closer all the time. I told her some of what had happened, and I said one thing I regretted was the sleep relief the cannabis had brought to me. She knows about most of what happened to me.
How curious, I thought, that a 76-year-old man was asking his daughter, who just turned 40, about taking cannabis. Emma is both intelligent and wise, and I listen to her.
She said the problem was that I took too many edibles and much too quickly. I still needed to do my homework. She said it often happens; I had to learn from it. I should give it another try if and when I am ready. She knew several friends this happened to in college, and most of them learned to try it again, but differently.
She helped.
I’m not ready to jump back and may never try it again. First, I must be quiet and gentle with myself and others and return to normal. I need to remember the work I have done on this.
Tomorrow I talk to my long-time therapist, who I also trust and listen to. She knows all about my childhood and has worked with me to get to a much better place.
I am confident she, Maria, and I can get there again.
(That’s me. I’m four years old.)
I’m not the child I was or the person I was. In the past, I’ve been told to go back in time and talk to that little boy and reassure him that things got better and I ended up fortunate, happy, and well.
We know each other, this boy, and we have spoken before. A photo of me is hanging on my wall.
I have told him several times that things worked out; I got the girl.
He always smiles at that.
I don’t need to write more about these memories, and I don’t believe I will. But I don’t want to be fake, either.
It didn’t feel right to me to move on so quickly and brush it off. It has smacked me down, at least for a couple of days.
Thanks again for listening and for all the good words you have sent me.
100% of what we each of us has gone through is 100%. We can’t guage our 100% with someone else’s 100%. Childhood trauma is a ton of bricks, a huge weight.
Thank you for sharing. That takes courage and strength which you have an abundance of. You’ll get through this and be all the stronger for it.
Hugs
Thank you again, Jon, for being so vulnerable. It is amazing when we have experienced deep trauma and spent years ‘doing the work’ that things happen and we discover there are more layers. If we are lucky and have the right support we realize that’s what is happening and we can ‘recover’ more quickly. Walking beside you, I have experienced many of the things you have spoken of.
Jon,
Please don’t apologize for your pain.
Every person who has lived with and suffered
from abuse understands. No matter the gender, race,
creed or economic status.
“Love will abide. Take things in stride.”
Linda
Jon, I’m sorry to hear of your haunting words but I’m also very admirous that you are able to speak of it for there are those who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, my daughter being one, and for whom your words may inspire honesty and strength in dealing with issues that remain for them. I wonder if your experience, your life, might not be an inspiration for others who have experienced similar but not the same issues. Praying for guidance in this transformation I hope may help.
I have experienced myself a situation later in my life, that of Intimate Partner Violence, which sadly enough has been caused, I believe, by a traumatic brain injury in my ‘family member’ as a two year old child. The lack of recognition, acknowledgement by this individual has left me feeling like a sacrificial lamb and scapegoat given that his family knew of his mental health issues when I married him. Loving someone doesn’t change the fact that they have harmed and destroyed a relationship with another. However, I am using my textile work to share this experience and place a visual aspect to Intimate Partner Violence on my website. May you, when your mind accepts the horror of what you’ve experienced in your childhood, be able to write about it in the prospect of helping others who have been through what you have. I wonder if what you are going through now is an emotional cleansing of your childhood abuse and if this isn’t a positive thing for you, hard as it is. I’m grateful that you have a therapist to support you and Maria’s love as well.
Life is not easy. We never stop learning do we.
Sandy Small Proudfoot, Ontario, Canada
This would be something you would need to discuss with your dentist/MD’s, especially with a CPAP. For myself and for friends that wear one, a dental mouthguard for teeth grinding provides the best sleep I have had in awhile. I recently had a new one made, all digitally too…it’s my new “wonder drug” for sleeping!
Jon, I’ve read about skilled therapists who use psychedelics in a highly controlled environment, to help their patients by-pass their protective selves, to get to their wounded inner children and help them heal. I think you did this inadvertently, and are wise enough to seek professional help for what was stirred up. Sometimes I still give myself some grief about being my age, and still having “issues” to heal. I think, GOD, will I ever be done? My counselor gently reminds me that there are many deep recesses of my mind, where pain and hurt were stored so that I could feel safe. The way to find them and heal them is to love that scared little girl.
Jon. You were precious as a four year old and throughout your entire life, even and especially now. Thank you for your stories. So glad you and Maria have one another.
Our animals help. Their love and presence is a balm for our hurt hearts and souls. It is so easy to make them happy and that is good for us. What we want to give is received with love, no questions asked!
Being in nature helps too. I continue to be healed by the quiet, enduring majesty of the woods around our little old farmhouse. I tell myself that I can keep moving forward, one step at a time, keeping my face to the sun.
Our creative endeavors pull out the best of ourselves and make us focus on beauty and what’s worthwhile within our own being. Writing, painting, quilting, photography, making music,…. Keep doing what you’re doing. It’s helping others to find common ground with you as well as with one another.
Sending love and positive energy towards you.
Hello Jon. The photo of your 4 year old self with a smile on his bright face brought tears to my eyes. I keep one of myself too, and often remind her I will now take care of her and keep her safe, so she can keep being the free and creative child spirit that lives in me.
Through pure Grace I came across the book “The Body Keeps the Score” by B. Van Der Kolk when i was 54. Those were dark times where the present moment was almost unbearable.
https://www.besselvanderkolk.com/resources/the-body-keeps-the-score
Reading the book I realized that even though talk therapy was an important part of my journey, which Dr. Van Der Kolk call healing from the top down, I’m the kind of person that also needed healing from the bottom up, which is healing therapy that includes the body. The book also helped me understand that a child’s brain and heart does not develop the same as the body of a child that has not suffered sexual abuse. This, along with all the other findings from his extensive research started me on a path of deep healing.
The suffocating pain still comes up on occasion, but now I have a better understanding why it does. It might stop me in my tracks, but does not cripple me towards death any more. And like you, I now share my life with honest and loving people that sometimes need to help me see when I’m blinded, as I continuing on my life’s journey.
On a side note, one of my aspirations is to live my life with an action guided generous heart, and your life of service to others is a role model for me. So thank you for being willing to show us more of who you are by sharing this experience.
May God fill all the cracks in your beautiful and sometimes broken heart with LIGHT. And my He continue to bless you more than the wildest dreams you have for your life, and for the life of others.
Kind regards,
Elisabeth
Sorry to hear you got socked, Jon. Do carry on, please. Your work and sharing means important things even though you yourself may never see the half of it. The ripples you create, they’re moving out away from you after all…
Just noticed animals illuminating your page title. Duh. That is just plan Great!
Cheers,
Rufus
I’m good Rufus, thanks..
what a beautiful little boy…full of joy and Light. you have not let him down,,,he is thriving inside your heart now! thank you for sharing your vulnerability.