I bought two “Dammit Dolls” for my Mansion meditation class, and we had the best discussion ever in the class. We focused on anger, jealousy, and frustration that can afflict older people in elder care.

The residents were wide-eyed, and I passed the dolls around. Everyone at the table said they believed they would be helpful, even transformative. Were they saying that to please me? Possibly,  but they had much to say about the idea, which was all positive.

The Dammit Dolls were created in 2010 by entrepeneur Drew Levich to help people deal with anger and stress. I brought them to the Mansion, hoping they might be used to prevent anger and outbursts in recreational games like Bingo.

The discussion we had was extraordinary.

One of the residents admitted to feeling physical pains in her shoulders before losing her temper. She said squeezing one of the dolls or banging one on the table might pull her away from anger.

“We want to win something, ” one said, “I just want to win something.”

Art and June in their Pirate Bandanas

I talked with Activities Director Paryese Bates Becker before the class, and she suggested that the dolls be brought to gatherings like Bingo and temporarily given out to residents who got angry or too excited and then returned.

I thought that sounded right, but I said it was up to her.

The residents said they would welcome help dealing with anger and frustration; the dolls seemed like a good idea.

They seemed happy to discuss it, and the conversation was honest, accessible, and valuable. I told Maria, who was present that it was the best conversation in the class.

If not me, it’s up to the activities leaders to tell them how to use the dolls, but I could feel some aides’ natural resistance to the idea.

One aide thought it was improper to use the word “dammit” at the Mansion; another was concerned that if the dolls were given to the residents to keep, they might not want to either return them or use them to stay calm. That makes some sense.

The residents reacted more positively to the idea—this is up to the aides, staff, and residents, not me—than I expected. Two or three people described as getting the angriest didn’t know they were getting angry.

They also wanted to talk about this, just like they wanted to talk about aging and death.

One or two said they wanted to meditate and breathe to stay calm when disappointed or frustrated. “I only get angry when everybody wins but me,” said one. “But I don’t want to be angry at all.”

I was very proud of the discussion; we have come a long way. I don’t know if the staff will use these dolls in any way or throw them out. It’s their business, not mine.

But I am gratified by the self-awareness, honesty, and thoughtfulness that has grown out of that class. Anger, like death, is one of those things rarely discussed in assisted care and nursing home facilities.

Painting

And I was never prouder of this work than today. Their hearts opened up during the talk.

I respect the residents too much to treat them like crystal glass or hide from bringing up complex issues they face. I am also proud that the residents are hungry for these discussions and eager to participate.

It’s a learning curve for me and before them. But I’m not in charge of things like this; I can only lead discussions that I feel are useful rather than confining myself to games and paintings.

But our hard work together was paying off. We don’t just sit and draw – there is nothing wrong with that; they love doing it  – we talk about their reality. They asked if we could continue the conversation next week. They passed the dolls around the table and touched and squeezed them.

Those new tools – Dammit Dolls, life-like dogs, and cats –  are essential and effective. I’m always searching for new tools to engage and support older people.

Zinnia and her pal Lili, a Mansion aide

I’ve spoken with several teachers and elder care aides about the Dammit Dolls, and they have a strong and positive response from people who work with older people.

They say the dolls give them an alternative behavior to anger and a calming tool to use under pressure. I talked to several teachers who swear by them.

I’m glad I brought it up.