I’ve long been a poor listener and a loud and busy talker. Changing that is challenging, but I’m working on it.

I don’t need to go into all the details here, but I’ve chosen these two things as focal points for the work I’m doing and hoping to do in my spiritual direction. Both are difficult, but I’ve climbed many hills in this process and am eager for more.

I am one of those people who starts responding to other people even before they speak. In Quakerism, there is a practice of being silent after someone else speaks, taking a minute to listen to what they are saying rather than argue and debate it. This was an important lesson for me to learn; I get it.

Most people I know plan their replies before anyone opens their mouths. We are taught to talk, not listen.

I’m guilty of that, but compared to other obstacles on the path, I can change this with focus and discipline—and make it a practice. I’ve learned an awful lot from writing out in the open in a loving and hostile world.

The first step is to listen to myself. I often don’t like what I hear, but that helps me to be quiet. I’m learning to overcome anger and hostility; I find a space above it. It’s taken me a very long time.

The second step is understanding that I will be heard more clearly if I speak more softly. I understand this better when I pay attention to the outside world; the noise and intensity are deafening and disturbing. And no one seems to listen to or care what anyone else says. When I am successful at listening, I am amazed at the impact on the people I talk with.  It helps them, and then it helps me. This stuff is good for me.

I’m learning that listening has a powerful purpose. I allow others to empty their hearts and minds by being quiet. I can ease suffering just by being silent. Try it.

This is how we know how to be; if we can’t learn to listen, we can’t understand or remember much—look at Congress. Anger breeds anger; kindness and understanding do not. We are a harsh country when it comes to talking, and social media is a cesspool of anger and grievance. I dream of a kindler, gentler country. That would change the world. It starts with me. I’m not there yet.

Listening to people relieves anger and frustration; I’m learning this in my marriage, work, and life. Memory care volunteer work and the Mansion Meditation class have helped me to listen and speak gently and quietly.

It’s been a long while since I fought with anyone. It almost happened last week, but I told myself to shut my mouth, listen, and then walk away, and the tension melted away.

My value as a human being, father, husband, writer, blogger, photographer, and volunteer depends on my understanding of others. So does my worth as a human being.

I see and know that listening relieves suffering. I am learning to act and talk without causing anyone else harm or additional anger and grief.

I am learning another big lesson in my spiritual work. Acting with compassion makes me more substantial; as I have been learning in recent months, it is my best protection, just the opposite of what I used to believe.