February 28, 2010- Had a nasty  round of the night terrors. Woke up, read, drank tea, meditated, talked to Maria.

Maria and I went to Glens Falls to take down her quilt show “Cut It Up,” hanging in the Crandall Public Library. We drove around Glens Falls, had lunch, talked about our lives. It turned out to be a beautiful day, and Spring is near. We fell in love with a house, before discovering it costs $450,000. But it was nice to talk about the future.

If the farm sells, it will be in the Spring. If not, another year or two here I think.

I am ready to stay. I am ready to move on. For me, change is rebirth, a la Campbell and Hero’s Journey. It is fuel for my creativity. The dogs and I are ready for other adventures, but different ones. A different kind of change.

Less intense, dramatic, lonely, expensive and circus-like. More creative, hopefully. A shared experience, not a solitary epic. People write to me warning me not to leave the farm – my creativity is here, they say. But I think not. Creativity goes with you, and comes from within, not from a farm or from animals. I have more stories in me, and they want to come out. A sequel. A children’s book. My life.

Two years ago, I nearly cracked up, and it was close. That changes one’s perspective. I have come far, and have a ways to go. I’ve found love, and renewed energy, health and creativity. I am more focused, creatively, on my work, and on dogs – mine and others – and the impact they have on our lives, and that is good. I have a keener sense of time. More empathy, I think. I feel that I am becoming more honest and genuine, or trying. That juddgement is not up to me.

I understand better how my mind works, how damaged it was, how painstaking the repair work can be. There are no shortcuts, magic pills, super mantras. You have to get in there and get dirty, day after day. You fall down, you get up. You get scared, you get strong. You learn from all of it.

So like everyone else, Spring is an expectant time for me. A friend told me she didn’t know many people who were happy, and doubted there were many. I said I didn’t believe that. I know quite a few. They just don’t make the news.