Maria and I went to the Memorial Day Parade in Glens Falls, N.Y., and then to her mother’s house for a birthday celebration for her niece Amanda. Then back to the farm to feed the donkeys. Upstate parades are compelling. Veterans with craggy faces in be-ribboned hats, fireman and big trucks, people smiling and waving flags. People holding yellow ribbons for the dead in Iraq and Afghanistan, many from upstate.
A bunch of friends came by yesterday to see Bartleby and Rose put on her own show for them, moving the sheep out to the training pen and then marching them back to the Pole Barn (Bartleby bringing up the rear.)
She is getting the new block into shape, although it took a half hour to get all of them into the pen – there was a rebellious flock of a half-dozen new sheep. Rose was her usual determined, focused and effective self.
Bartleby is bigger, healthy and nibbling away on grass. A number of the other ewes keep an eye out for him, and he maneuvers easily around the flock, up the hill, even around the donkeys. A number of friends come by to see him and his mom is gracious but watchful about all the human attention. Rose avoids both of them.
The new Dorset ewes are strange, curious, very alert. They keep to themselves, gather in the barn in the morning.
I’m coming to understand that to deal well with fear, you have to rebuild your mind a bit. Work at changing what you think, how you think. Hard work. Every day. Small steps. There is no magic want, no moment of epiphany, just the slogging of determination, self-examination and a willingness to change.
Fear is not rational and you cannot argue with it.But this is the toughest part of the process, I think: becoming aware of what you think and how you think. Changing the story. The brain manages fear and scans for danger because it is trying to keep us safe. Have to put the brain to better use. I am aware of all the fearful scanning my mind has done over the years and my work now is changing that, being conscious of what I think. Like anything else, it takes a will and a lot of hard work. Fear worked for me for a long time. It doesn’t work for me anymore.
