The Big Shot has been with me a long time. He has spent a lot of money, given away a lot of things, often reminded me that I was somehow apart from the daily tasks of living. You are a big deal, he would whisper to me. You don’t have to worry about bills, and you can give things away. The Big Shot was very generous, and above many of life’s small tasks. He used to be driven to work in a limo, in a place long ago and far away. He never need to look at bank accounts, or consider many of the things he did. He had all kinds of things – tractors, five winter parkas – cows, steers, goats, that he didn’t need.  He was surrounded by a small army of enablers, aides, workers to help him life his life. He never returned things that didn’t fit. He never used coupons, or looked at prices, or shopped for bargains. He never looked at receipts to see if things were added up properly.

Today, I officially said goodbye to the Big Shot. In a ceremony out behind the big barn.The donkeys all gathered around, and I said, “Hey Big Shot, I think we need to part company. You and Herman, my scary voice in the night, who hasn’t been around the last few months at all. I see that I can not only live without you guys, but I can also make you go away, if I do the hard work. So get lost!” Big Shot was stunned, outraged, cursing and spitting out his cigar. He will hang around a bit, on the off chance I will change my mind, but he will be good soon enough. Good riddance.

I like life without the Big Shot. I check my bank account, write my own checks, look for bargains. I still give things away, but they are smaller, more appropriate things. I still don’t check receipts because I generally prefer to trust people. I got rid the tractors, trucks, extra parkas, and the many other things I don’t need and can’t afford. I don’t feel like a Big Shot anymore, and am not too big to tend to the daily tasks of life. I much look forward to the day when I can do my own mowing. The enablers are all gone. I return things, and shop online for the lowest price sometimes. Often. I think many of us create characters to help us life our lives, sometimes in drama and crisis, sometimes in chaos. It took me a long time to get rid of the Big Shot. Big Shots are not helpful, I think. They breed fear and anxiety, because they hide life, and  if you don’t know who you are, you cannot be who you want to be.