I’ve decided to let go of the many photos I’ve taken over the last ten years, to say goodbye to them and wave, perhaps tearfully, and with gratitude (but no drama) as they sail off into the ether and melt away.

I was afraid, but I wasn’t scared of what I thought I was fearful of, or what many people assumed I was afraid of. I surprise myself all the time.

My life is a series of Leaps Of Faith, I think, I am learning to trust my instincts; they come from the heart, not from the brain or my past or my concerns.

And I am removing a lot of the clutter and distraction from my fevered brain.

It’s time for another Leap, a big one for me.

I mentioned yesterday I have some big decisions to make about my Photo Library, stuffed with more than 40,000 photographs in the doomed Apple Aperture Photo Program.

program is one I have been using ever since I started taking pictures not too long ago.

I never took a picture in my life until just before I met Maria. She was the first and only person who encouraged me and suggested I might be good at it. I never imagined how much I would love photography and how much it would bring to my life and my blog.

Apple is no longer supporting Aperture, my photo management, editing and storage system.

They have betrayed me and many others, but they have the same cold heart as any other corporation, they are just better at pretending they care.

If I switch to the new operating system, which I need to do, then I can no longer use the photo program I’ve loved and used to good effect.

As much as anything else, Aperture made my photos possible.

Aperture is a great favorite among professional photographers. So is Adobe’s Lightroom.

I spent some time researching Lightroom this morning and talking to other professional photographers. They tell me Apple Photo is just not up to Aperture or Lightroom, at least not yet. I can’t do the things I want to do with Apple Photos.

They urged me to give Lightroom another try. So I will.

I need a sophisticated storage and editing system.

I don’t use Photoshop and don’t care for it; I don’t need to put fake heads on my subjects. I haven’t loved Lightroom either, but I need to give it a better chance.

And I don’t want to spend much more time calling Tech Support, waiting in a phone line, trying things that don’t work, getting frustrated and confused. To me, that’s a sin, to spend too much time like that, I don’t want to be a fly in a spider’s web.

I’ve been in a prolonged and unnerving struggle trying to migrate Aperture into Lightroom or even a special hard drive.

Still, it isn’t working, the program is just falling apart now, and it keeps freezing and crashing. Even the Apple wizards can’t handle it or figure this out.

It feels to me like moving and wanting to bring everything from the old house into the new house. I want a clearer head than that. The memories I need are in my heart and head, not on a hard drive.

I am all about change and growth. This is a big chance for both.

People are messaging me with concern,  telling me that they understand my anxiety, but the truth is I am just beginning to understand my fear. I am not afraid of losing my photos; I am much more afraid of keeping them.

I don’t look backward; I rarely use old photos. I take new ones every day; they chronicle my life as it is now, not as it once was. I have no interest in nostalgia or in looking back at the good old days; my good old days are now.

The photos I’ve taken have significant meaning to me –  Red, Rose, Izzy, Lenore, Simon, Rocky, Zelda, the first  Bedlam Farm, Maria, and her great art, blizzards, and snowstorms, sheep, and donkeys, Mother and barn cats, ghosts and foxes, and coyotes.

But the present has a lot more.

All these images have become a great weight, a burden; they have become a burden to me, technically, financially,  emotionally, and even spiritually. They draw me back to the past, where I don’t wish to go.

What I’m terrified of is the complicated and expensive and never-ending progress of figuring out how to keep all of those photos, store them, file them, and access them.

I want to move on with my photography, not hang onto the past like a giant elephant dragging its feet. I want to focus on fresh images and better ways to capture them.

I’ve tried Lomography lenses, Canon cameras, Iphones, Infrared photography, and Monochrome cameras. I’ll keep trying.

What is relevant to me is my life now, not then. I want to be motivated to keep learning, keep moving forward, keep challenging myself.

Many of my photos will be preserved and accessible on my blog; they can be found there for people who want or need them.

So I’ve decided to abandon all of those photos, say goodbye. I want to move on into the next chapter of my photography, which I have come to love, and which is as central to my life as my writing.

Those 40,000 photos are dragging me down, holding me back, distracting me from the daily work of living meaningfully, quietly and with purpose. I have a lot to do, a lot of things I love to do.

So tomorrow, I’ll call up Lightroom tech support and see if they can help me get organized there. If so, I’ll take my Leap of Faith and jump ship. Thanks, Aperture, I will never forget you.

I am moving towards a simpler life. I don’t need to have 40,000 images lying around.

And thanks to all you good people who have supported and encouraged my photography. I ain’t done yet. This feels like an exciting new beginning.