I believe that crazy dogs are made, not born, or bred.

All of my dog life, I’ve heard stories about crazy border collies and crazy labs: big dogs who chew up houses, eat rocks, harass people with balls and toys.

These dogs jump up on people, run wild, vomits garbage, pulls on leashes, digs up gardens,  and commit various, spectacular and unstoppable crimes against humanity.

I don’t want one of those Labs or border collies, and so far, I haven’t had one (maybe one).

I don’t want a dog like that, and it is a libel to brand Labs,  bred for many hundreds of years to work quietly and efficiently with human beings, as crazy, untrainable, and out of control.

To me, it is a dignity question, for humans and dogs.

A dog who acts crazy is going to have a hard life, getting shouted at, left out in yards, banished to basements, forever at war with his or her people. People always laugh when they tell me about their crazy Labs, but it isn’t funny to me — the poor dogs.

Labs have one of the most glorious histories in all of Dogdom, they sit quietly by people for days, retrieving hunted food, ferrying fish up cliffs, sitting silently for hours, even days.

They were not the Labs of modern stereotype, obsessing on rubber balls, grabbing food off the dinner table, wrecking clothes and furniture, knocking down old ladies, digging trenches while running outside in yards all day.

I won’t have a Lab to grabs food off counters, jumps on tables, rips apart pillows, shoes, and sofas, or who has become a ball and toy addict, unable to be still. Labs are like border collies: one time is an adventure, two times an addiction.

Early on, I’ve got to pay attention.

Child psychologists often warn that if you don’t teach a small child how to behave, adolescence is likely to be a nightmare. The same is true of Labs. If I can’t train this 18 lb puppy to sit, come and stay, to keep off the furniture, to walk well on a leash, to not chase balls in the house now, what chance do I have in six months, when she is 60 lbs or so?

I have my anti-crazy methods.

-No human food ever. Just dog food and dog treats. If a puppy doesn’t get into the habit, the adult dog won’t either. We sit and eat in the living room on the floor sometimes; our dogs don’t come near us. They have never been fed from plates or dining room tables; they just never got into the habit. So they don’t hover over dinner and drool or started at us or sneaked food off of counters.

-Crates. When a Lab puppy gets the “zooms” and starts acting crazy, he or she goes right into the crate until they calm down.

When they are quiet for five minutes, they can come out. Crates are a godsend; they help dogs find their center and learn that being still sometimes is as essential to them as it is to us.

-Toys. When I get a Lab puppy, I flood the house with chew toys, hard rubber, hard bones, sturdy tug-of-war dolls.

The dog always has something of his or her own to chew, no need to go for the sofa, our shoes, towels, or table legs. Zinnia has never once chewed up something that was ours; she has plenty of hers.

When she is curious about a shoe, we offer her a chew toy, so that is what she is used to.

We have a big fenced-in yard where the dogs can run, and they get walked once or twice a day. Our dogs all have work to do. They are chasing after sheep, doing therapy work, cuddling by the woodstove.

And oh yes, no balls or frisbees of any kind in the house.

Zinnia and the other dogs can do run outside all they want, but a house is a quiet place, our place. There is enough chaos in the world; we need our peace.

We have three strong crates, and anybody who gets rowdy gets to go inside, have quiet time, and chew on a bone. All of our dogs love their crates and rush happily inside.

Dogs are creatures of habit and tradition. If they don’t start out doing it, they don’t generally do it. I know what I want, and I help them see it and learn how to do it.

I am no strongman or hard ass, I train with my heart mostly, and sometimes, my brain. I give my dogs a chance to succeed, not fail.

-Calming training. My thing is calming training.  Come, sit, stay, lie down, five times a day or more.

Dogs know how to do everything, but nothing. Maria and I both work at home. The dogs need to be quiet, to respect our work. Labs are not stupid, like most dogs.

Fate never walks on Maria’s quilts or runs off in the woods; Zinnia lies quietly by my side while I write. They both get what was and is essential to us, and given a chance they do it.

I do not want or own perfect dogs, that’s for Cesar and the people who make money on training videos. But I won’t have a crazy dog.