I used to spend much of my time panicking and stewing about the past and plotting a future. It’s true what the spiritualists say; most of my anger came from the past; most of my worry was about the future. And the frustrating thing was I couldn’t do anything about either one.

I don’t worry much about the present; I’m too busy living it. There is something for me in the idea of living in the now. Worrying is a parasite on life; really, it is the opposite of joy.

Thomas Merton wrote that there is a simple way to test whether or not one’s life has been given over to worry and anger and fear.

Ask yourself,  he wrote, “is there joy in your life, lightness in what you are doing?” It doesn’t mean I have to upend my life or even change it.

It simply means paying more attention to life now, and to the kernels of joy. Every morning, I scan my life in two ways: I check my bank account to see if there is anything in it and then having met my responsibility to manage my money well and know what I have, I list the moments of lightness, the kernels of joy.

Today, it was this:

Thanks, Zinnia, for making me smile, again and again. When you stick your head in the water when you drag Bud around by one of his legs when you tumble down a heal with great pleasure when you vomit some disgusting thing. You find joy in everything you do; you bring me joy in almost everything you do. My dogs do that for me.

Thanks, Maria, I feel joy every time I look at you, every time you smile, every time you laugh, in every beautiful thing you make, in every kind and thoughtful thing you do.

I find joy in the photos I take. On the farm, I live on. In words, I write, in the blog I publish, in the woods around me, and the hills. In the trips, we take, in the animals we live with and love.

I find joy in my Mansion work when I keep somebody’s feet warm or give someone a flannel blanket for the nights. I feel joy when I give a poor refugee child a gown to where to the prom, or books to read, or winter boots.

I feel joy in managing my money, the less of it I have, the better I do with it.

I find joy in the $5 and $10 bills people send me to support my good works from every single state in our union in small envelopes with tiny hand-written addresses.

I find joy in the beautiful people who have been following my life longer and more thoughtfully than I have.

That was just this morning.

Merton is right; this is what I need to focus on; this is my life now, not the past, not the future. This is what I want to think about, not what I miss, or have lost, or fear will one day happen.