Early last Sunday morning, I had what I believe is the worst panic attack I have ever had.

I’ve had them all my life, from childhood on.

They came to a head when I worked as an executive producer at CBS News. I often went into my office, closed the door, and cried. Nobody knew.

These attacks, like my dogs, permanently mark the passages in my life and finally forced me to understand who I am. Most people have one or two panic attacks in their lives.

I couldn’t begin to count mine.

But there is good news.

This might be my last one. It was a turning point. Each attack gives me more insight and more truth and helps me to move beyond panic and just into life. Every one is a step forward. And I have help now that I can listen to and trust. But the good thing about mental illness is that I get to recover.

I have sick friends who are not so lucky.

Panic attacks are awful for me; there’s no hiding that – sweating, shaking, struggling to breathe, dizzying, nauseating, and of course, great panic, exhaustion, and even depression.

Mine came about 3 am. on a Sunday morning; I woke up with a surge of terror in my chest and stomach. My face was flushed, my stomach upset, and I was shivering from a different kind of cold. I felt my insides had been turned inside out, and I could feel my heart pounding.

I didn’t wake Maria or get up; I froze and tried to breathe regularly. I was like that for hours. I got up when the sun came up and struggled through the morning. Maria, of course, saw right away what was happening. She’s been there.

It wasn’t until Wednesday that I stopped feeling weak and drained.

I am learning for the first time what these attacks are really about and what causes them. It has taken me a lifetime.

This has triggered a psychological war between reality and fear in my head. And the severity of this one told me the good guys were winning, and the ego was fighting for its life.

This morning, I talked with my trusted and life-saving therapist, Peggy. We talked openly and honestly, and she said my attacks were more nurture than nature – they were the response to emotional and other abuse.

Panic is not my natural gear or, I believe, a biological one.

I have been very strong in many areas of my life; these attacks did not seem generic or run deep in my family. Money often made me feel unsafe in my life from my earliest days, and I am now learning how to manage it in a way that makes me feel safe or safer while still recognizing and respecting the realities of life. Money is one of those issues that affect all of us in one way or another.

I never had the chance to learn how to deal with money. Some things are okay to worry about, but panic is something else; it is very often a symptom of childhood trauma.

For me, this new understanding is cosmic. I’ve been lying to myself again, and that, I know, is where panic attacks come from. They are never about what I think they are about, which is confusing and frightening.

In absolute secret, while still working in New York City, I found a Freudian psychoanalyst in Manhattan and went to see her four times a week for four years. Health insurance paid for that in those days, not these.

The analyst gave me a book by Anna Freud to read after she explained to me that panic attacks occurred when I was lying to myself.

That was Anna Freud’s great insight; it made a deep impression on me, even if I couldn’t accept it.

The thing is that panic attacks occur because they are almost always false and lies; they take us out of reality. Talking to people, in reality, brings us back, sometimes slowly.

The subconscious knows the truth and fights back – the panic attack results from the conflict, which I could tell you can tear my insides apart. The fear comes from an old and deep place, often before language, and it burrows deep and waits patiently to emerge.

One part of me was damaged and traumatized; the other half is strong and confident. The two war with one another, which triggers panic. My mind doesn’t quite know what to do, so it freaks out.

I’m pretty messed up; I told the analyst in New York. “Yes,” she said, “you are.”

“You are very strong,” my therapist told me this morning.

It was a lie that I was weak, helpless, or in danger. Those were the earliest fears of children; we carry them with us all of our lives if they are not heard, treated, or calmed. And if we are treated in abusive ways. That was the trauma.

And that was the lie. I thought it was about money; I was always afraid of money. I always let other people handle it; I didn’t even know the name of my bank for much of my life. I was good at spending it, that was about all. I turned the rest over to others.

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Why I wondered, did I have such a savage panic attack on Sunday? I don’t really know for sure. Many things can trigger a panic attack – the news, the loss of someone you love, illness.  The one certainty is that the root cause of a panic attack is something else.

Combat veterans know about panic attacks. The Army Calls them all kinds of names, but everyone who has had one knows what they are. Trauma is almost always their cause.

I haven’t had one like last Sunday for years, and I’ve never been happier or more fulfilled in my life.

It took me until Wednesday to collect myself and get in touch with the truth again. Each panic attack reveals something about itself and gives me something new to grasp and think about. Many different images have popped up in my head this week, a lot of talks with Maria and, a lot of meditation, a lot of truth.

Maybe this time, I’ve really gottem there.

Yes, I need to change my ideas about money and organize myself in a better way, one that makes me feel safe and not so vulnerable. But that’s life, not crisis.

My therapist said that, and Maria said that. The panic attacks are not about money.

I trust those two more than anyone in my life. They have always told me the truth.

Yet I still don’t completely believe it. That’s how deep this goes.

I love where I am heading, and I want to be one of those people who spends his life with a giving and helping attitude. I want to live and love my wife.

That’s a gift my fear has brought me to.

So it was not money that triggered my panic attack.

The idea that this isn’t really about money is stunning to me, and I am just beginning to believe it. That is difficult for me.

How do I want all of this to end up? In his book Love Is Letting Go Of Fear, Dr. Gerald Jampolsky writes about people he knows who have faced these human feelings without getting stuck in them and have forgiven the world and themselves.

“They spend their lives in a giving and helping attitude,” he writes. “The attitude they carry with him is optimistic,  believing that when one door closes, another door will open. They are looking for ways to help others even during bad times and are not afraid to reposition themselves.”

I like that description.

That’s the person I want to be; that’s the positive side of facing fear and understanding its truth. Fear can be re-tooled and used for good.

The traumas are an integral part of me, part of my DNA and sense of self.

They will always be there, and I will always need to remind myself that I must deal with them before they eat me alive.

The panic attack came because I was not paying attention.

And slipping back into the oldest lie in my life – I’m afraid of money. I can’t hide behind that any longer.

Anna Freud was right. Panic attacks come from lies, from a fear of facing the real truth.

Panic is not reality, and I know I am wounded in ways that can never fully heal but can be controlled with hard work and discipline. That is also the truth.

It takes a few days to recover from a panic attack; there is a feeling of vulnerability, fatigue, and exhaustion. It’s amazing how they affect every part of my body. The symptoms are gone now; I feel I have returned to reality.

I have my truth back, and the anxiety has retreated as it returns. I know it isn’t gone completely or forever, but when I face the truth, I can live with it, and I can live my life.

It’s curious how someone who is almost paralyzed by fear at times is fearless in so many ways.

This panic attack reminds me of the very true cliche about darkness.

It is always followed by light. This is also very true of panic attacks. They are always followed by rebirth, affirmation, and strength.

That’s my truth. And truth heals.

A panic attack for those who don’t know, is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. According to the Mayo Clinic, panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you’re losing control, having a heart attack, or even dying.

Although most people experience a panic attack once or twice in my life, I have experienced them throughout my life. This more than qualifies me as a person with mental illness, and for the past 20 years, as I understood my condition, I also promised myself I would not hide it, deny it, and share what I have learned.